Joke Thread

The missus sent me a text on a frosty winters morning......

'Windows frozen, it won't open'

I replied...

'Gently pour some warm water on it then try opening it'

5 minutes later she replied.....

'The computer is proper fucked now'

Copper Dragon wrote:The missus sent me a text on a frosty winters morning......

'Windows frozen, it won't open'

I replied...

'Gently pour some warm water on it then try opening it'

5 minutes later she replied.....

'The computer is proper fucked now'

 

Copper Dragon wrote:The missus sent me a text on a frosty winters morning......

'Windows frozen, it won't open'

I replied...

'Gently pour some warm water on it then try opening it'

5 minutes later she replied.....

'The computer is proper fucked now'

Get some new material CD
This is post 106!

So I see Wanderlust, that Reebok Trotter is way ahead with the comedy.

I did mine in a Brummie accent though.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you"

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven`t got the energy."

"Well, why don`t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They`re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won`t keep you there!

A man goes into a music shop and asks for tape with relaxing music on. The bloke behind the counter says, ''listen to this tape of wasps noises, it's really good and really relaxing too''.

The man is a bit confused but takes it home for a listen any way, as he starts listening to it and thinks ''this sounds nothing like fucking wasps''. The next day he takes it back to the music shop and tells the same man behind the counter ''this tape you sold me, it sounds nothing like wasps''

To which the man replies ''Ah, that's because you have been listening to the bee side''.

I made my girlfriend’s dreams come true and married her in a castle.

You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!





After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

Yesterday I decided to surprise the woman who delivers my post, so I stood there naked and stuck my cock through the letterbox.

I dont know which shocked her more........

My cock through the letterbox, or the fact that I know where she lives.

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job ?"

"£100"

"OK", he said and then began to jerk off

The prostitute asked, "What the hell are you doing that for?"

"For a £100, you're going to work for your money"

A bloke takes two stuffed dogs to an auction, the auctioneer says to the man ''this is a very good example of victorian taxidermy''.

The auctioneer then asks him ''in good condition do you have an idea of what they would fetch in good condition''.

The bloke replies ''sticks''?

3 blacks on trial in a South African court, Judge, Prosecuter what are your findings, well Judge we found the first defendant in posession of a gun in his pocket, death sentence, Judge, what are your findings on defendant 2, we also found a gun in his pocket, death
sentence, and defendant number 3, we found 30 rand in cash, death sentence, Prosecuter, are you sure your Honour, of couse I'm sure he was saving up for a fucking gun.

Eskimo on holiday in Wales, car breaks down, local lad looks under the bonnet, ah says Welshman you've blown a seal, so what says Eskimo, you fuck sheep.

Man says to wife, our sex life is getting a bit stale...... shall we act out my rape fantasy....... no snaps the wife emphatically....... thats the spirit he says with a huge grin.

MartinBWFC wrote:Man says to wife, our sex life is getting a bit stale...... shall we act out my rape fantasy....... no snaps the wife emphatically....... thats the spirit he says with a huge grin.

         

Madge checked into a hotel on her 65th birthday.

She was a bit lonely so she thought, she'd call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone book, found a full page picture and ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver coin off his well-oiled bum. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

So she dialled the number.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you"?

Oh my, he sounded sssso sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one.

"No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound"?

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic but you need to press 9 for an outside line".

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth
extraction

"£85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any
anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price
could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5
pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye
confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG.......


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day, trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed..

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him.

"What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and On and ON she went.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


"They're not hanging Wright tonight." she said.

He whirled round and screamed. ''FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP." ? !

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD,
iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining
outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also
needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.