Joke Thread

Good News From Downing Street Concerning Pensions and Benefits


نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه ]دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه=]نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه]يوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا نيست نقش

A genuine advert.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters .... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his fucking pram.

How The French Military uniform evolved

A long time ago, the British and French were at War. During one battle, the French captured an English major. They took the major to their headquarters and a French general began to question him.

The French general asked 'why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easy targets for us to shoot?'.

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now, all French army officers wear brown pants.

As a man of Jewish descent, I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But, every now and then, even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here, if anyone wants to buy it.

BoltonTillIDie wrote:I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters .... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his fucking pram.

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, an African and a Jamaican went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai".

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 quid in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

The last 2 jokes are shit.

Wife went mad at me because l didn 't open the car door for her mother.
I just panic 'd and swam for the surface

BoltonTillIDie wrote:Wanderers are monitoring the situation before making a move for Korea's least intelligent footballer, 22 year old striker Sum Dim Twat.

Mods making racist jokes now?

  

Linford Christie goes to join his local golf club, steward says sorry sir but we don't accept black members here theres a Municipal 10 minutes down the road you can join, but you don't know who I am says Linford, steward retorts I'm sure you're a thoroughly nice chap but we don't acccept black members here, theres a Municipal 10 minutes down the road you can join, but I am Linford Christie, oh sorry says steward, it won't take you that fucking long then.



I'll get me coat.

To be honest I find difficulty over jokes like the above two.

The first I found funny and non offensive, the second exactly the opposite.

I'll leave them both up for now but if anyone as the slightest problem with either one please say (or pm me if you rather) and I will take either or both of them down.

I hope that is fair and reasonable to everyone?

Very Racist, a warning should be put on them, especially Martin Linford cannot run that fast anymore.

Humour ,like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder.

Racist

Sluffy, by raising the point like you did, which you are perfectly entitled to, you are actually making a bigger issue of it, than if you hadn't bothered. You know us lot by now. If we were offended, we would have let you know. Having said that, its good to see that you care about us  

A hunter kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.
The dad said,"Well, it's what mummy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams to her brother,
"Don't eat it! It's a fuckin arsehole!