Joke Thread

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

Worth repeating seeing as it is Christmas. The two vicars are shining examples of self control.

https://youtu.be/L0Yds_GijJg

Another TV classic!

https://youtu.be/GJQdEY82zs0

To this day I don't know what all this is about. I don't speak Dutch but it sounds as if the interviewer is speaking to a couple who don't lead a normal life. The guy's squeaky voice is very funny and the interviewer just can't cope.

https://youtu.be/eOEPm25kFaE

I think this might explain what happened.

https://youtu.be/HrMzJrLdu_Y

Fred and Larry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Seeing as it it Christmas this deserves another viewing. Father William Byron always makes me laugh. He clearly wasn't in on the joke.

Bless her little heart.....How sweet........

The secret to long life...



A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a little old lady pictured below:,

She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,



"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"




"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice

big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every

week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I

don't exercise at all."



"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"



"Forty," she replied.

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an
inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and
he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a
special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-
wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

The Pearly Gates


40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on travellers . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.


'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'



'No, the gates'.

What do you call a one legged sikh? Balan Singh

What do you call am Asian peeping tom?

Mustafa Ganda

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing..."Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Friday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache!
'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository,
it's up to you.'

What's pink, hard and rubbed in the bathroom...........a bar of soap.

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

OLD MEN ARE ALWAYS MORE CONSIDERATE

An old man was in Morrison’s the other day, pushing his trolley, when
he collided with a young man also pushing his trolley.

He said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young man says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.”

The old man said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"

The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair,
green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old man said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.