Joke Thread

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female....

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the

place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to

break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone

would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese

man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts

at the top of his voice...

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences

in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to

play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult

jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes

the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up

again and shouts...


"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".


A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional

that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation

with his band around the B flat minor chord and really

tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this

impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz

chord, play a Jazz chord".


Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't

seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to

him from the stage "OK smart ass, you get up here

and do it!"


The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold

of the mike, and starts to sing.....






"A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."

Bolton Hater goes into a pub in Blackburn and orders 5 double brandies. After pouring them, the Landlord asks him, ' Are you celebrating something ?'

BH replies, ' Yes, I've just had my first blowjob.' BH then starts necking the brandies one after another.

The Landlord says, ' Seeing as it's your first time, I'll treat you to another brandy myself.'

BH replies, ' Don't bother, it doesn't matter how many I drink but I just can't get the taste out of my mouth.'

Where pronunciation and mastery of the English language is found wanting.

https://youtu.be/LGvWPY1AjcI

This made me titter. The pranksters call this very angry black guy and record his voice on a soundboard. Sometime later they phone him back and play him the recording of his own voice from the soundboard. He even acknowledges that the voice sounds like his but he still ends up going off on one.

The content of the clip is full of bad language but I found it amazing that anybody could have a six minute rant with himself!

https://youtu.be/SgF42jlEEIs

I advertised my pet python for sale in Loot. Some geezer phoned me up and asked if it was big. I replied, ' It's massive.'

He then asked, ' How many feet ?'

I replied, ' None. It's a bloody snake.'

GIMME A ADDRESS...

BoltonTillIDie wrote:GIMME A ADDRESS...

There are some funny updates where they phone him and play the voice of Al Pacino from a movie and he still goes off on one!

This phone prank is funny because the guy at the takeaway is quite abrupt on the phone but he gives as good as he gets.

https://youtu.be/i-x1vvxZa6U

A 90 year old bloke walks into the Doctors surgery, receptionist asks yes Sir what are you seeing the doctor for today?

Old bloke tells her I have a problem with my dick.

Gasp, the receptionist tells him you shouldnt come in a crowded surgery and embarras everybody by saying that.

Old bloke says well you asked I just replied.

You could have just come in saying you had a problem with your ear, and discussed it further with the doctor when you are being consulted.

Old bloke feeling humiliated leaves, comes back 10 minutes later, Receptionist says yes Sir what are you seeing the Doctor for today.

Old bloke, I have a problem with my ear.

Receptionist, ok Sir what is the problem.

Old bloke, I cant piss out of it.

Wheres Larry.

On waking up on her Anniversary Larrys wife notices no present no card, nothing.

Shouting upstairs to Larry, oi you horrible bastard you for got our Anniversary again.

Shamefully coming downstairs Larry proclaims his innosence, and promises he will make it up to her.

Wife tells him in no uncertain terms that tomorrow morning there had better be something on the driveway that will go from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, Larry leaves for work.

Following morning she wakes up to see a giftwrapped package on the driveway,

Hurrying downstairs, she frantically opens the box to find a set of bathroom scales,

Larry has been missing since Friday.

90 year old bloke walks into the Doctor and proudly proclaims, I have a 23 year old wife who has just had our beautiful new baby, what do you think of that?

Doctor says wellI have a 90 year old friend who hunts, one day he went out to hunt, and mistakingly picked up his umbrella instead of his shotgun, on realising his mistake, he spots a beaver points his umbrella at the beaver and shouts bang bang, the beaver rolls over and dies, what do you think of that?

After a short pause old bloke, someone else shot the beaver.

Doctor says my point exactly.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,

'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation .

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,

'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter.

'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that...'

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bolton Hater woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

This is an actual review on amazon.co.uk for Veet Hair Removal for Men...


A. Chappell
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

gloswhite wrote:I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one
lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

I like it!