Joke Thread

Fifty Shades of Grey - The Poem

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".
>>
Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
Oh, the sight filled me with dread.
>>
In her hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.
>>
Well, forty years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.
>>
Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer .
>>
She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.
>>
Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.
>>
She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
and, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left t * t.
>>
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"
>>
Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
>>
Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.
>>
Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyetteAnd back to back, we snore.

My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of union jack knickers. Evertime I take them down there's a protest !

Was in Tesco's, in the cafe, and the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. So I had a fiver each way.

I've just swallowed 8 Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell DISASTER !

gloswhite wrote:Was in Tesco's, in the cafe, and the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. So I had a fiver each way.

Did you know that the anagram of hamburgers is Shergar bum
It's like flogging a dead horse

On April 24 2012 John Terry was sent off at the Nou Camp.

Nine months later, Shakira's son is born.

I always wondered why people climb Everest. I don' think I'll ever get to the bottom of it.

I have always seen myself as a pessimist. It's probably a bad idea.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground

Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mum fainted.

"Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.

"Piss off!" he replied.

"Suit yourself then," I said, as I straightened up my backpack and continued with my walk.

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row
when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally,
one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mummy, every night I hear you
and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down
on him."

His mum is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well
I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin
again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mum says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

After a long night of making love, the young
guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for
his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at
hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the
guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Spillthebeans wrote:After a long night of making love, the young
guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for
his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at
hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the
guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

A man decided to have a face lift for his
birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result. On
his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he
says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old
do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!"

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand
down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able
to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man
thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten
minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

A woman is taking a bath when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.

"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland?

Not sure if it's the same in Farmfoods so be careful.

I've been dating this girl but she can only speak a few words in English.

On the plus side, Geordie girls are complete sluts.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British Fusilier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.
"Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & gasped ... "They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”

Just got a bargain from Tesco. 99p for 4 Findus chicken drumsticks. You want to see the fcuking size of them!