Joke Thread

I've been thinking about it since 6.55pm. Why would a bacon sandwich keep the doctor away?

Think of a typical doctors name these days.

Natasha Whittam wrote:I've been thinking about it since 6.55pm. Why would a bacon sandwich keep the doctor away?

It might just have something to do with the influx of foreign doctors from the Indian sub continent.

I saw an Indian lady on a train today, she shut her eyes and seemed to stop breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Halfway through my shift at the photo shop yesterday, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife. Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them, so as I handed them over. I asked "Would you like the negatives?" "Yes please," he said sheepishly. I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat arse and she should seriously think about giving her downstairs a good trim...."

Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..

Barb Dwyer wrote:Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
       
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.  

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.  
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes ?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk ?"

Barb Dwyer wrote:The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
       
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.  

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.  
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes ?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk ?"

Haha, brilliant! 

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for a firm of gorilla removers. He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in ten minutes.
True to his word, he arrives a while later, with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pitbull.
"What are you going to do?" the man asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof," replies the gorilla remover. "Then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pitbull's trained to grab his testicles and not let go. We can then put the gorilla in the truck."


So the guy puts up the ladder. Then he hands the shotgun to the home owner.
"What's that for?" he asks.
"Well," says the gorilla remover, "if the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Barb Dwyer wrote:A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for a firm of gorilla removers. He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in ten minutes.
True to his word, he arrives a while later, with a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pitbull.
"What are you going to do?" the man asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof," replies the gorilla remover. "Then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pitbull's trained to grab his testicles and not let go. We can then put the gorilla in the truck."


So the guy puts up the ladder. Then he hands the shotgun to the home owner.
"What's that for?" he asks.
"Well," says the gorilla remover, "if the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have closed lanes 7 and  8.

Now on sale at IKEA beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved just tongue and groove.

Got a Jack Russell pup today he's mainly black brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Conductor Sir Thomas Beecham,to a bad female cellist..."Madam,between your legs you have a thing capable of bringing pleasure to a great many people,and all you can do is scratch it."

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day..
As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."

...

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said a smug Snow White.

...

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""

First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

...


They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...
"What happened?" they asked.





"Who the hell is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio

My mate dumped his cross eyed girlfriend today.
He thought she was seeing someone else.

A teacher at an Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

A friend of ours has just returned from Africa and can't stop buying raffle tickets. Doctors have diagnosed a bad case of tombola.