Joke Thread

It's nearly that time of year again.

Thought this was funny.

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Post ID: 40890475

OFFER: ex wife

Location :cant disclose
Date : Thu 26 Jun 2014 18:39:01 UTC
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offer ex wife two owners full service history good runner body work neads attention neads oil change was long term prodgic but costing to mutch money will deliver no returns
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Banks of the Croal wrote:Thought this was funny.

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Post ID: 40890475

OFFER: ex wife

Location :cant disclose
Date : Thu 26 Jun 2014 18:39:01 UTC
Description
offer ex wife two owners full service history good runner body work neads attention neads oil change was long term prodgic but costing to mutch money will deliver no returns
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An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

I turned to my wife last night and said, "I'm into anal".

She gave me a look of despair and glared at me as she said, "Animal".

I love it when we do the cryptic crossword together.

Oscar Pistorious has sacked his defence team and hired Celtic's. Apparently u can lose both legs and still win.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

A husband and his blonde wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says,

"No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,

"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the blondie.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

She listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.

"That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth please!

This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk. They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage. To solve that problem they decided to come up with a "code word" to ... help break the ice when asking for sex. While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, "I have an idea, why not use 'washing machine' as the code word?" So washing machine it was... A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, "Honey, Washing machine?", and she replies, "Honey, not tonight, I've got a huge headache. I promise we'll do it tomorrow night!" So he say's, "Alright that's fine, We'll do it tomorrow." They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However, the wife can't sleep because she's thinking, gosh we've only been married 1 year so we're still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, "Honey, are you still awake??", He replies, "Yeah, what do you want?". She says, "Washing Machine?!?!?!?" "Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand."

I've opened a bakery recently and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS' written on it. I thought it was weird but made it anyway. Mrs Cox was fucking furious when I delivered it. So was her son, Isaac.....

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

"I come form Italy. When I make love to my wife she walks on air", said the first man.
The second man said. "I come from France and when I make love to my wife she floats towards the ceiling."
The third bloke took off his flat cap and replied" I'm from Bowton and after I've shagged the missus, I wipe me knob on the curtains and she hits the fekin' roof!"

I must have cut easily when i was a kid because my mum always used to say come ere you little bleeder.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away,these days its a bacon sandwich.

Canterbury Frank wrote:An apple a day keeps the doctor away,these days its a bacon sandwich.

I don't get it.

Natasha Whittam wrote:I don't get it.

Think about it.