Joke Thread

Bloke goes to the doctors with a mole on his knob, doctor says well I can remove the mole......... but I will have to report you to the R.S.P.C.A.

Barb Dwyer wrote:Teacher: "Billy, if you have five sweets and Mohammed asks
for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy: "Five"

Pretty racist joke. Not funny. Where are the mods?

Apologies. I shall edit it just for you.

Teacher: "Billy, if you have five Twirls and Natasha Whittam asks
for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy: "Five"

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a good roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles,
that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent. Pictured here with Jimmy Savile.

While walking down the street one  day a Member  of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives  in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,'  says St. Peter.


'Before you settle in, it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,  so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,'  says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher  up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then  you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our  rules.'

And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the  elevator and he went down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other  politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the  people.

They played a  friendly game of golf and then dined on  lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who  really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and  telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the  elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of  contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours  have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a  day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The  MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off  in  hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down  down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his  friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as  more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his  arm around his  shoulder. ' I don't understand,'  stammers the  MP.



'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and  my friends look miserable.    What happened? '

The devil  looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..  


Today you voted.

I think that you can learn from this how to treat your wife.



It is important for all men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are over- sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.



My name is Keith. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife Dawn. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Dawn to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.



Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.



I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.



I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.



Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her figure. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.



When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, then just relax for a while. And as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.



I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Dawn. I'm not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



Keith died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter.



The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was laying nearby. His wife Dawn was arrested and charged with murder.



The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defense that Keith, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio.

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London . He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

"I know we've been married for a long time now but tonight I'd like us to try something new. I'd like you to pretend to be a thirteen year old school girl."

"Ewww, you're disgusting, get the fuck away from me you dirty pervert!"

"That's the spirit, love!"

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....

She never got your E-mail!"

I was in Asda with the wife today, and I spots 12 cans of lager for a tenner, thought bargain, picked them up put em in trollley, wife comes back says what you doing with them, 12 for a tenner I says, we can't afford them put em back, so I did.

2 aisles down toiletries section, wife picks up some facial cream pops them in the basket, I says whats that? it's a beauty cream 20 quid and it makes me look 10 years younger and more attractive,

12 cans of lager has that effect and it's half the price, now put it back.

I said to my mate,"my girlfriend keeps asking me if I'm an Alice in wonderland character and it's getting very annoying."

"Are you mad at her?", he said.

I said,"For fuck sake, don't you start!"

Knock knock

Ok mate, I'll play along so you can get your trailer park fix.

Who's there?

Bwfc1958 wrote:Ok mate, I'll play along so you can get your trailer park fix.

Who's there?

58 you have a friend for life

Police have obtained photographic evidence of the smiler crash to use for legal proceedings.

Alton Towers however are charging them £6 per photo or £8 for a keyring.

I was looking through my daughters phone when I came across a video of her screaming whilst banging her head against the floor.

I said,"this better not be what I think it is!"

"That's me getting fucked up the arse by my boyfriend", she said, feeling embarrased.

"Oh, thank god", I cried. 

"For a minute there I thought you had become a Muslim".





I think that ones safe.........just

Bwfc1958 wrote:I was looking through my daughters phone when I came across a video of her screaming whilst banging her head against the floor.

I said,"this better not be what I think it is!"

"That's me getting fucked up the arse by my boyfriend", she said, feeling embarrased.

"Oh, thank god", I cried. 

"For a minute there I thought you had become a Muslim".





I think that ones safe.........just

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back o find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.