Joke Thread

I Rike it!

Yu Ray Sis Twat.

I pulled a gypsy bird last night. She asked me if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.She wasn't bloody kidding either. I went on the Dodgems, Waltzers and the Ghost Train and came home with a Goldfish!

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the Doctor phones Paddy to tell him he has Sugar Diabetes.

" That's great news " says Paddy, " When do I fight the bugger?"

I bought my wife a Sheepdog fur bra. " Will it keep my boobs warm ?" she asked .

I replied, " No, but it will round them up and point them in the right direction."

A boy goes on holiday to Magaluf and texts his mate saying, " Weather out here is just like your mother, 38 and hot."

His mate replies, " Weather here is just like your sister, 16 and wet."

Injury Lawyers 4U are rubbish. When our neighbours 16 year old daughter cut herself climbing over our fence, they told me to take a photo of her gash.

Guess who's in court on Monday?

A recent survey revealed that 92% of male scousers said that they enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 8% said that they had never been to prison.

I woke up this morning at 8am and could tell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor and she wasn't breathing.

I really started to panic until I remembered that Wetherspoons serve a full English breakfast until 11.30am.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQjmqfZX9CA

Norman Collier.

Teacher: "Now then class, let's do some simple sums. I give you £10 and you take a £1. What do I have?"

Little Johnny: "A bank account in Cyprus, Miss."

I seen this beautiful homeless girl today
sleeping rough and asked her if I could take her home, should have seen
her face when I walked away with her cardboard box.

The wife asked me last night - ''What is reincarnation?''

I said to her ''It's when you come back as something completely different''

Oh said the wife ''So if I came back as a Pig?''

''No you're not listening, I said something different''

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a
rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it
and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Paddy and Mick hiking in the Canadian Rockies come across a sign... Tree fellers needed,
Paddy turns to Mick ah be jeezus if only Duffy was here we moight have got that job.

I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So I apologised and replied,
"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember....!