Joke Thread

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon. 

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.

Can I get away with that one??

Bwfc1958 wrote:"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon. 

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.

Can I get away with that one??

A bloke calls his wife from work. He tells her that his finger got cut off on the building site where he works.
"Oh my God!" cries the wife, "The whole finger?"...."No," replies the bloke, "The one next to it."!

The inventor of 'Predictive Text' died yesterday.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Chairmanda wrote:The inventor of 'Predictive Text' died yesterday.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

I like that became it's Cleveland......

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as'English Weather'

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'
( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None", replied Johnny,"because the rest would fly away".

"The answer is 4 Johnny, but I like the way you're thinking", said the teacher.

"I have a question for you now miss", said Johnny.

"There's 3 women in an ice cream shop. One is eating her cone, one is biting her cone and one is sucking her cone. Which one is married?"

"Well", said the teacher nervously. "I guess it would be the one sucking the cone".

"No", said little Johnny. "It would be the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking".

A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, find themselves forced to share a hotel room for a night. They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"

The man replies, "That would be amazing."

The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket.....

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.  The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.  The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.  He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.  The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court.  The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.  Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

The Lawyer questions, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"And what does the "AH" stand for, Officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

The wife got me an advent calendar made in partnership between Smirnoff and Oscar Pistorius.

It's got a shot behind every door

A local charity organization realized that they had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Barb Dwyer wrote:A local charity organization realized that they had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Good one that Barb!