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Joke Thread

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Bwfc1958
Pevensey Pete
Bollotom2014
Boggersbelief
boltonbonce
NickFazer
Soul Kitchen
karlypants
Culcheth_White
Lofty_Love
scottjames30
Triumph
Sgt. Bash
Leeds_Trotter
rammywhite
terenceanne
Lyric Todkill
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MartinBWFC
Angry Dad
LeedsWanderer
WhiteBic
Reebok_Rebel
BoltonTillIDie
Copper Dragon
Whatsupdoc
Numpty 28723
doffcocker
Mr Magoo
Bolton Nuts
xmiles
jayjay23
Natasha Whittam
Spillthebeans
trotter1948
gloswhite
Quent
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largehat
Banks of the Croal
bwfc71
Keegan
wanderlust
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Reebok Trotter
49 posters

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721Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 02 2014, 12:12

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

I called the wife, told her I was leaving work early and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home

It was met with a stony slience, I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

722Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 02 2014, 12:20

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Very Happy

723Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 08 2014, 13:21

Guest


Guest

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

724Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 08 2014, 13:22

Guest


Guest

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Sod off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then.

725Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Dec 13 2014, 22:01

Guest


Guest

Just had a handjob off a blind girl.

She said my dick was the biggest she ever felt.

I said "you're just pulling my leg"

726Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Dec 13 2014, 23:33

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Smile

727Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 13:45

Soul Kitchen

Soul Kitchen
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

Preston have offered to send Jermaine Beckford back to Bolton due to their striker crisis.
Sources close to the Bolton management declined stating it would be preferable to play with ten men!!!!

728Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 13:54

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff

729Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 14:06

Guest


Guest


cheers lol! ::dance:: :clap: :rofl: :biggrin: :bomb: :stupid: :flog: :mixpoints: :like:

730Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 14:29

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool his morning when a young child of about 5 got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily my wife was there to save his life.

When she got out of the pool to find a lifeguard the water level dropped enough for him to stand up.

731Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 14:31

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.

732Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 14:35

Guest


Guest

Bwfc1958 wrote:Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.

Magoo won't get that.

733Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 14:49

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff

Breadman wrote:
Bwfc1958 wrote:Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.

Magoo won't get that.
Fecking hell Scott the second, Stalker Very Happy

734Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 15:04

Guest


Guest

Believe me, Magoo, if there was anybody else on here who even remotely approached anything like your ability to murder the English language, I'd have referenced them.

As it is, when it comes to bad spelling, bizarre use of punctuation and general inability to construct a proper sentence, you stand head and shoulders above the rest of us.

You are truly unique.

735Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 15:14

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff

:bow:

736Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 16:01

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

My  job  is so fucking  unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in My van and we solve Mysteries and shit.

737Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 20:26

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was not too good, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him to get him a divorce.


The lawyer said that he would first have to ask him a few questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
They all still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:


Joke Thread - Page 37 N695hw

738Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 16 2014, 20:27

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Very Happy Very Happy

739Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 18 2014, 23:25

Keegan

Keegan
Admin

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing...

"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

https://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

740Joke Thread - Page 37 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 18 2014, 23:44

Guest


Guest

Jesus Christ........that's bad.

Did you not get Dave Lee Travis in Jamaica in the 80's?

He used to get listeners to his Radio One show to write in with lyric-based gags and the worst on was about a girl who had a forbidden curry by the seaside with her lover, despite her father's wishes and when he got annoyed she replied with something along the lines of "Don't worry, Dad, it's Poppadom Beach"

And then the cheesy, beardy, paedo twat segued into Madonna.

That's how bad it was....

And now he's in prison.

Think on.....



Last edited by Breadman on Fri Dec 19 2014, 00:13; edited 1 time in total

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