Bolton Wanderers Football Club Fan Forum for all BWFC Supporters.


You are not connected. Please login or register

Joke Thread

+45
Bwfc1958
Pevensey Pete
Bollotom2014
Boggersbelief
boltonbonce
NickFazer
Soul Kitchen
karlypants
Culcheth_White
Lofty_Love
scottjames30
Triumph
Sgt. Bash
Leeds_Trotter
rammywhite
terenceanne
Lyric Todkill
JonnyRandom
MartinBWFC
Angry Dad
LeedsWanderer
WhiteBic
Reebok_Rebel
BoltonTillIDie
Copper Dragon
Whatsupdoc
Numpty 28723
doffcocker
Mr Magoo
Bolton Nuts
xmiles
jayjay23
Natasha Whittam
Spillthebeans
trotter1948
gloswhite
Quent
Sluffy
largehat
Banks of the Croal
bwfc71
Keegan
wanderlust
aaron_bwfc
Reebok Trotter
49 posters

Go to page : Previous  1 ... 23 ... 42, 43, 44 ... 46 ... 50  Next

Go down  Message [Page 43 of 50]

841Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jul 19 2015, 11:33

Guest


Guest

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the fucking bitch stole ma wallet."

842Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jul 19 2015, 20:13

Guest


Guest

I walked into the living room tonight and my wife was watching Masterchef I said "why are you watchin this you cannot cook?".....she replied "you watch porn"

843Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Jul 21 2015, 16:36

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."

844Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Jul 22 2015, 17:50

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

Took my wife for her tourettes examination today, she didn't have it, turns out I really am a cunt, and she DOES want me to fuck off.

845Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Jul 28 2015, 21:19

Guest


Guest

A young boy asked his father, "Dad, is Google a boy or girl?"

The boy's father doesn't even look up from his newspaper when he answers.

"Son, obviously it's a girl, because it wont even let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas!"

846Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 03 2015, 14:32

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

An item from the pages of the London Evening Standard.

Last Wednesday a passenger in the back of a minicab going to Liverpool
Street Station leaned forward to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, “I didn’t realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a minicab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

847Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Aug 03 2015, 14:34

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Hi Bob, 
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry neighbour, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to 
 pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text 
 as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. 
 The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after  you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I  know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest  apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen 
again.
Regards, Alan.
 

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, 
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her 
instantly. He returned to the den where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:- 

Hi Bob, 
This is Alan next door again. 
Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out. 
Anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To 
 ‘Wife’. Hope you saw the funny side of that. 
Regards Alan. 

848Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Aug 26 2015, 17:28

Guest


Guest

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT".... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

849Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 03 2015, 18:47

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse


*The £50 lesson!*

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.



Both of her parents who are Socialist Labour were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed with pride!


"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the £50 to use toward food and a new house."


She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the £50?”



I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party.” Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

850Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 03 2015, 18:49

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

I don't get it.

851Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 03 2015, 18:59

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

852Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 03 2015, 19:15

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which
suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
“If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The alligator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
“It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible."

853Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 03 2015, 19:42

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those”

854Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 04 2015, 20:49

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : "Your sister likes this position too." Then try to hang on for 8 seconds. 

855Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 04 2015, 21:57

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Smile

856Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 06 2015, 13:11

Guest


Guest

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt  pistol  and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the room called out...

"You'll need more ammo!"

857Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 06 2015, 13:22

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Very Happy

858Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 06 2015, 13:27

Guest


Guest

After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things
you all need to know.   She really is as sexy as hell;  secondly the
staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of
humour!!

859Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 06 2015, 13:30

Guest


Guest

An old man walks into a barber shop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old man to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

860Joke Thread - Page 43 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 06 2015, 13:34

Guest


Guest

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

Sponsored content



Back to top  Message [Page 43 of 50]

Go to page : Previous  1 ... 23 ... 42, 43, 44 ... 46 ... 50  Next

Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum