Joke Thread

 Might write these down and send them to Brucie.

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past & sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised & ask her 'how do u do it at your age?'she replies ,I take my teeth out, peel back the skin & suck 'em until they're dry

Stevie Wonder - 7 kids. David Blunkett - 5 kids. Ray Charles - 12 kids. I think it's safe to say that it's not wanking that makes you blind!!.

Bought some sainsbury sausages yesterday,there's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front,on the back it says "Prick with fork "Can't fuckin argue with that!.

You did not buy sausages yesterday you was in bude having.


Im in a thyme resteraunt

Because the company has already paid for breakfast i get 2 courses plus a drink for 14 quid. Bargain.

Had garlic breaded mushrooms
Just waiting on the 8oz full house burger
And supping a lemonade

You little fibber.

Mr Magoo wrote:You did not buy sausages yesterday you was in bude having.


Im in a thyme resteraunt

Because the company has already paid for breakfast i get 2 courses plus a drink for 14 quid. Bargain.

Had garlic breaded mushrooms
Just waiting on the 8oz full house burger
And supping a lemonade

You little fibber.

Dont make me order you whoosh parrot. Breaders saves those for kp

My girlfriend just said to me she is sick of me talking about football all the time, why don't I talk about any serious issues, like Syria.

I replied I think it's between Inter and Juventus this season.

A parrot swallow's a viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come your sweating?" He asks. The parrot replies,"do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

Paddy and Murphy are trying to guess the height of a flagpole. A builder is passing and they explain their problem. "Watch this", says the builder. He takes down the flagpole, lays it down on the ground and measures it with his tape measure. Paddy says to Murphy,"what a thick cunt, we wanted the height not the fucking length."

THE RECTUM STRETCHER!
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'

A devoted dad has tried everything possible to stop his two sons from swearing but to no avail: every sentence they utter is laced with "fuck" or "bloody" or worse. Embarrassed  and distraught, dad goes to a child psychiatrist who recommends that the only solution is to use physical violence the moment either of them comes out with a swear-word. "They'll soon begin to associate beatings and pain with swearing. That's the only thing that will make them stop."

Though hating the idea of physically assaulting his children, desperate dad resolves to do as the psychiatrist suggests, as a last resort. So dad steels himself and the next morning he sits down with his sons at the breakfast table. 

"Pass the fucking cornflakes, dad," says the older boy.

"Right!" says dad. He takes off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves and gives the lad a pasting, bursts his nose, blackens both eyes, loosens a tooth etc. 
Dad sits down again, rolls his sleeves back down, puts his jacket back on, composes himself, and calmly turns to his younger son.

"Now, son. what would you like for breakfast?"

"Well," says the lad, "I'd be a fucking cunt to ask for cornflakes, I know that!"

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.
 He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle.

With only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. 
The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English
football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored
3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love
me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day ...

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have
been raped but for a passing police vehicle.


Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you
tell me that you were having a great time!!'


The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'


Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.

'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'  

Dave has broken his leg and his mate Tony comes over to see him. "How you doing dave?" Says Tony. 

"OK mate, but can you do me a favour please? Just run upstairs and grab my slippers for me, my feet are freezing".

Tony goes upstairs and sees daves 19 year old daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "your dad has sent me upstairs to have sex with you both."

"Prove it", they say.

Tony shouts downstairs. "Hey dave! Both of them?"

Dave shouts back, "of course both of them, what good is fucking one??!!"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. 

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?' He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Burnt my bloody Hawaiian pizza last night...
Should have put it on aloha setting!