HomeWent to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread.
The birds were all over me!
The birds were all over me!
Joke Thread
+45
Bwfc1958
Pevensey Pete
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NickFazer
Soul Kitchen
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49 posters
Message [Page 23 of 50]
442 Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 08, 2013 8:57 pm
Sluffy
Admin
My father used to randomly shout things out like "Panzer at 500 yards". He had Turrets Syndrome!
443 Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:04 pm
Sluffy
Admin
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"Oh God! That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase".
"Oh God! That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase".
444 Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:05 pm
Sluffy
Admin
My mate set me up on a blind date. He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot sitting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
I felt like a right idiot sitting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
446 Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:18 pm
MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Sluffy wrote:My mate set me up on a blind date. He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot sitting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
449 Re: Joke Thread Tue Apr 23, 2013 6:07 pm
gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non-racist version of "Snow White") has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi Hoe". They also say they have no fucking intention of "Going off to work”.
450 Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 29, 2013 2:52 am
MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Went to a funeral with my new girlfriend today, it was the first time I had met most of her family, fuck me they are a set of miserable bastards.
451 Re: Joke Thread Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:28 am
scottjames30
Nat Lofthouse
MartinBWFC wrote:Went to a funeral with my new girlfriend today, it was the first time I had met most of her family, fuck me they are a set of miserable bastards.
452 Re: Joke Thread Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:48 pm
gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question?
I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears;
I use D during the day and N at night."
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question?
I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears;
I use D during the day and N at night."
453 Re: Joke Thread Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:49 pm
gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
454 Re: Joke Thread Wed May 01, 2013 2:19 am
MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
So I'm giving this bird one over the kitchen table, all of a sudden the front door opens, shit she says that's my husband quick use the back door........ looking back I really should have legged it, but you don't get offers like that everyday.
455 Re: Joke Thread Wed May 01, 2013 2:50 am
MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Tripped over a magic lamp today, Genie grants me one wish................ well ok I say I want to live forever.... sorry says Genie I can't grant that wish on moral grounds......... ok I want to live until Bury get promoted to the Premier league.................. ooooooooooooooh you crafty cunt.
456 Re: Joke Thread Wed May 01, 2013 2:53 am
MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
I was asked the other day do I prefer legs or breast, I replied to be honest I prefer a nicely shaved pussy, I am now barred from KFC.
457 Re: Joke Thread Wed May 01, 2013 3:43 pm
Keegan
Admin
MartinBWFC wrote:So I'm giving this bird one over the kitchen table, all of a sudden the front door opens, shit she says that's my husband quick use the back door........ looking back I really should have legged it, but you don't get offers like that everyday.
458 Re: Joke Thread Wed May 01, 2013 8:23 pm
Lofty_Love
Andy Walker
Sluffy wrote:I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"Oh God! That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase".
brilliant
459 Re: Joke Thread Tue May 07, 2013 8:05 pm
gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
JEWISH DIVORCE...
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her mother says,"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a £250,000 Ferrari,you get £2,000 a week allowance, and you take 6 holidays year, and you want to throw all that away...
Over 45 pence?"
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her mother says,"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a £250,000 Ferrari,you get £2,000 a week allowance, and you take 6 holidays year, and you want to throw all that away...
Over 45 pence?"
460 Re: Joke Thread Tue May 07, 2013 8:06 pm
gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Retirement
An older married couple sitting home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally spoke up:
"For god's sake, Larry! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
An older married couple sitting home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally spoke up:
"For god's sake, Larry! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
Message [Page 23 of 50]
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