Joke Thread

COURT REPORTERS HAVE TO KEEP STRAIGHT FACES!!



These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published

by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



______________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



_____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.



__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



_________________________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________





ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Getting laid



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.



___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.



_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...



_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.



____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:





ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.



ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been

alive and practicing law. ******

Subject: Which Airline?

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and
sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the F*ck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says

"Ryanair".

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A
few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve
got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

Bill Roache, Jim Davidson, Jimmy Tarbuck, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall, Freddie Starr, fuck me the prison panto is looking good this year.

Amazingly, A Bangladeshi woman has been pulled out of the rubble alive, after 17 days trapped in a collapsed factory.

Primark have questioned her overtime sheet.

Kane57

I was walking through Manchester City centre the other day and there was a scruffy guy sat outside Mcdonalds, he was holding up a sign which read "please help! Falklands war veteran"

I felt really sorry for one of our war veterans, so I gave him a fiver. As I was walking away he said to me " Mucas gracias" 

In a recent survey, 87% of immigrants said that they came to this country to see their doctor.

I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put Narcolepsy and Tourettes Syndrome.

So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up; I can tell them to fuck off.

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"

I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."

He said, "So what happened?"

I said, "Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fucking Mother."

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied,
"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,



but added that he died of gonorrhea.



No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,



“You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,



but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”