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Joke Thread

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481Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jul 16 2013, 10:40

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.



They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm,



when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.




They searched for days and couldn't find him,



so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.



Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat.



It read: “Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean.



We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back:



“Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

482Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jul 16 2013, 16:18

Guest


Guest
A traveling salesman, in the middle of his two-week stint on the road, walks into a whore house. The salesman whips out £300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house.
"Give me the WORST lay you have here." he says.
The Madam, looking confused, says, "But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls."
The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, "Please, I just want the WORST piece of ass in the house."
The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies, "Sir, for £300.00, you could get the best lay of your life."
Sheepishly the salesman says, "I don't want the best lay of my life. I'm not horny - I'm homesick!"

483Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 17 2013, 20:42

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the
festivities were finally
over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the
bed and said "Please remove one's shoes darling, one's feet are killing
one."

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with
vigour. But it wouldn't budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.


"Harder?" Charles yelled back. "I'm trying darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!'"
"Come on give it all you've got," she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed, "Oh god, that feels so good !"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and
said, "See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like
that."

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove
the other shoe when he cried out,"Oh god, darling, this one's even
tighter."

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: "That's my
boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!"


484Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 17 2013, 22:59

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
One of the good things about being a Muslim is...
When you change your wife,you can still keep the same photo.
Joke Thread - Page 17 Fwkox2

485Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 17 2013, 23:28

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator
@Reebok Trotter wrote:One of the good things about being a Muslim is...
When you change your wife,you can still keep the same photo.
Joke Thread - Page 17 Fwkox2


lol! 

486Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 17 2013, 23:29

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
:toppoints:

487Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jul 29 2013, 20:36

Guest


Guest
This Rooney hating thing has gone too far. I'm outside Old Trafford & there's a guy burning small effigies of Rooney & selling them to fans. 

Oh, hang on....its a baked potato stand.

488Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jul 30 2013, 21:37

Guest


Guest
Newlyweds are into their 2nd week of marriage when the wife says to the husband...

I want to set the rules down about sex....
- When my hair is nice and perfect ...I definitely don't want to have sex!
- If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect..maybe I do..maybe I don't want to have sex.
- But when my hair is messed up...I definitely want to have sex....

Husband says.....o.k. but I have my rules about sex also....

Every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer.....
- When I have one can of beer I definitely don't want to have sex....
- When I have a couple of beers, maybe I do...maybe I don't want to have sex....
- When I have a six pack of beer......I don't give a fuck about your hair......

489Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 31 2013, 19:54

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a... representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".

490Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 31 2013, 20:03

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen fo...r a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

491Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Aug 01 2013, 09:44

gloswhite

gloswhite
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha
Joke Thread - Page 17 539516_10151350642438143_218562752_n

492Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Aug 01 2013, 21:49

Guest


Guest
A hunter goes into the gun shop, and buys a rifle to go bear hunting.

He gets to the forrest, and sees a bear. He aims the rifle and shoots, fur flies everywhere. He goes up to see how badly hurt the bear is, when all of a sudden there is a tap on his shoulder.

It's the bear.

The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and fucks him up the arse.

The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys a double barrelled shotgun, then heads back to the forrest.


He sees the bear, and shoots at him - fur flies everywhere. He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder. It's the bear again. The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and fucks him up the arse.

The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys an M16, then heads back to the forrest. Seeing the bear, he shoots at him, fur flies everywhere.

He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder.

It's the bear again. The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and fucks him up the arse.

The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys a rocket launcher, then heads back to the forrest. Seeing the bear, he fires five rockets at him, explosions and fur flies everywhere.

He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder. The bear says "You don't really come up here for the hunting, do you?"

493Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Aug 16 2013, 23:42

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A young boy and his grandfather were sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze. The boys grandfather pulled out a cigar, lit it, and puffed away contently. The boy looked at his grandfather and asked if he could take a puff. The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir." "Then you are not old enough" the grandfather snapped back. A few minutes later the grandfather pulled a beer out of his cooler, and took a sip. The boy asked if he could try the beer. The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir." Grandpa huffed. "Then you are not old enough." The boy gave up and ran inside the house to go play. An hour later the boy came outside with a plate of cookies. The grandfather asked the boy, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa laughed. "Hell yeah, my dick can touch my ass." The boy smirked. "Then go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me."

494Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Aug 19 2013, 19:48

Guest


Guest
My mate just said to me "I'll give you odds of 100/1 that you can't do an impression of a butterfly". I thought to myself that's worth a flutter.

495Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 12 2013, 12:01

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care?' and he smiled smugly.

'OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replied, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?'

496Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 12 2013, 12:03

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Happy vs. Unhappy Muslims


I have to admit...this is brilliant...and I've never heard it put this way.....plain and simple!!!


Many Muslims today are not happy!

They're not happy in Gaza
They're not happy in Egypt .
They're not happy in Libya
They're not happy in Morocco .
They're not happy in Iran
They're not happy in Iraq .
They're not happy in Yemen
They're not happy in Afghanistan .
They're not happy in Pakistan .
They're not happy in Syria .
They're not happy in Lebanon .

So, where are they happy?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in the UK .
They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in the US .
They're happy in France .
They're happy in Germany .
They're happy in Italy .
They're happy in Sweden .
They're happy in Denmark .
They're happy in Norway .
So they're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN,
AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Have I missed something here?

497Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Sep 24 2013, 22:24

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
My wife is taking part in a survey as to how life in a burka feels, she has to wear it for a week full time, so far she has been punched, kicked, scratched, spat at, swore at, fuck knows what will happen when she finally leaves the house.

498Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Sep 24 2013, 22:29

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@MartinBWFC wrote:My wife is taking part in a survey as to how life in a burka feels, she has to wear it for a week full time, so far she has been punched, kicked, scratched, spat at, swore at, fuck knows what will happen when she finally leaves the house.
Razz 

499Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Oct 04 2013, 09:55

xmiles

xmiles
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Cheryl at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.


It took three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited again.

500Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Oct 04 2013, 12:41

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@xmiles wrote:It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Cheryl at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"  

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.


It took three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited again.
lol!

501Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Oct 09 2013, 19:22

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Allah be praised


A look at a highly misplaced Belief
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.


He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?


Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."


The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"


Allah replied quizzingly, "Who told you they were women?!"

502Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Oct 09 2013, 19:34

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT AND WORTH £400,000 PER WEEK?

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7" David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league." Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level.
But he's the best manager I've ever had." David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona" Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester .
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough ." Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Thierry Henry

503Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Oct 09 2013, 19:36

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
"Sometimes in football you don't have to score goals" David Ngog

504Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Oct 09 2013, 20:49

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Natasha Whittam wrote:"Sometimes in football you don't have to score goals" David Ngog
You made that one up but it's a good one!

505Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Oct 11 2013, 19:21

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A little kid, crying,can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “I have no idea.”

Joke Thread - Page 17 2wq4dpz

506Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Oct 23 2013, 17:43

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Liverpool are raving about SAS Sturridge and Suarez, Man Utd are struggling for a phrase for Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawani. Evra, Rooney, and Smalling.

507Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Nov 04 2013, 21:31

Guest


Guest
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her 5 year old daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

508Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Nov 04 2013, 21:37

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator
lol! 

509Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Nov 04 2013, 22:05

Guest


Guest
One Day Mother was out, and dad was in charge.

Penny was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

510Joke Thread - Page 17 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Nov 05 2013, 07:11

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
OneFinFreedman wrote:One Day Mother was out, and dad was in charge.

Penny was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Laughing 

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