Joke Thread

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.



They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm,



when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.




They searched for days and couldn't find him,



so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.



Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat.



It read: “Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean.



We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back:



“Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the
festivities were finally
over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the
bed and said "Please remove one's shoes darling, one's feet are killing
one."

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with
vigour. But it wouldn't budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.


"Harder?" Charles yelled back. "I'm trying darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!'"
"Come on give it all you've got," she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed, "Oh god, that feels so good !"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and
said, "See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like
that."

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove
the other shoe when he cried out,"Oh god, darling, this one's even
tighter."

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: "That's my
boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!"

One of the good things about being a Muslim is...
When you change your wife,you can still keep the same photo.

Reebok Trotter wrote:One of the good things about being a Muslim is...
When you change your wife,you can still keep the same photo.

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a... representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen fo...r a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

A young boy and his grandfather were sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze. The boys grandfather pulled out a cigar, lit it, and puffed away contently. The boy looked at his grandfather and asked if he could take a puff. The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir." "Then you are not old enough" the grandfather snapped back. A few minutes later the grandfather pulled a beer out of his cooler, and took a sip. The boy asked if he could try the beer. The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir." Grandpa huffed. "Then you are not old enough." The boy gave up and ran inside the house to go play. An hour later the boy came outside with a plate of cookies. The grandfather asked the boy, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa laughed. "Hell yeah, my dick can touch my ass." The boy smirked. "Then go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me."

My mate just said to me "I'll give you odds of 100/1 that you can't do an impression of a butterfly". I thought to myself that's worth a flutter.

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care?' and he smiled smugly.

'OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replied, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?'

Happy vs. Unhappy Muslims


I have to admit...this is brilliant...and I've never heard it put this way.....plain and simple!!!


Many Muslims today are not happy!

They're not happy in Gaza
They're not happy in Egypt .
They're not happy in Libya
They're not happy in Morocco .
They're not happy in Iran
They're not happy in Iraq .
They're not happy in Yemen
They're not happy in Afghanistan .
They're not happy in Pakistan .
They're not happy in Syria .
They're not happy in Lebanon .

So, where are they happy?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in the UK .
They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in the US .
They're happy in France .
They're happy in Germany .
They're happy in Italy .
They're happy in Sweden .
They're happy in Denmark .
They're happy in Norway .
So they're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN,
AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Have I missed something here?

My wife is taking part in a survey as to how life in a burka feels, she has to wear it for a week full time, so far she has been punched, kicked, scratched, spat at, swore at, fuck knows what will happen when she finally leaves the house.

MartinBWFC wrote:My wife is taking part in a survey as to how life in a burka feels, she has to wear it for a week full time, so far she has been punched, kicked, scratched, spat at, swore at, fuck knows what will happen when she finally leaves the house.

 

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Cheryl at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.


It took three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited again.