My new Muslim girlfriend keeps hinting about a blowjob. I don't know whether to get my todger out or warn London transport....
Joke Thread
+45
Bwfc1958
Pevensey Pete
Bollotom2014
Boggersbelief
boltonbonce
NickFazer
Soul Kitchen
karlypants
Culcheth_White
Lofty_Love
scottjames30
Triumph
Sgt. Bash
Leeds_Trotter
rammywhite
terenceanne
Lyric Todkill
JonnyRandom
MartinBWFC
Angry Dad
LeedsWanderer
WhiteBic
Reebok_Rebel
BoltonTillIDie
Copper Dragon
Whatsupdoc
Numpty 28723
doffcocker
Mr Magoo
Bolton Nuts
xmiles
jayjay23
Natasha Whittam
Spillthebeans
trotter1948
gloswhite
Quent
Sluffy
largehat
Banks of the Croal
bwfc71
Keegan
wanderlust
aaron_bwfc
Reebok Trotter
49 posters
262 Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 07 2012, 01:48
terenceanne
El Hadji Diouf
Little Jimmy comes home from school .... Dad asks "how was the sex education class"
little Jimmy replies .... "not bad, but it sure makes your arse hurt"
little Jimmy replies .... "not bad, but it sure makes your arse hurt"
263 Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 07 2012, 01:52
terenceanne
El Hadji Diouf
What's the similarity between a rowing boat of Irish sailors and a used condom?
They are both full of thick seamen.
They are both full of thick seamen.
264 Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 07 2012, 01:55
terenceanne
El Hadji Diouf
A Chinese man was lying in bed with his wife .....
He says to the wife, "I could use a bit of 69"
The wife goes "what the hell do you want Chicken & Noodles now for"
He says to the wife, "I could use a bit of 69"
The wife goes "what the hell do you want Chicken & Noodles now for"
266 Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 12 2012, 11:53
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Freddy Starr, DLT, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall have joined forces to form a new boy band sponsored by Viagra. 'One Erection' will be releasing ' Sweet child of mine' just in time for Xmas.
267 Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 12 2012, 11:55
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Breaking News..... Nurse Jucintha Sadanhas has turned up safe and well. In a phone call to the Australian DJ's concerned, she said, ' Beat that for a fucking wind-up'.
268 Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 12 2012, 12:21
aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Reebok Trotter wrote:Freddy Starr, DLT, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall have joined forces to form a new boy band sponsored by Viagra. 'One Erection' will be releasing ' Sweet child of mine' just in time for Xmas.
269 Re: Joke Thread Sat Dec 15 2012, 20:36
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor Rumanian orphans. I had to decline the purchase because knowing my luck I would probably bloody win one!
270 Re: Joke Thread Sat Dec 15 2012, 20:40
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
I bought a Xmas tree today and the assistant asked me, ' Are you putting it up yourself'?
Somewhat taken aback, I replied, ' No you sick bastard. It's for my living room'
Somewhat taken aback, I replied, ' No you sick bastard. It's for my living room'
271 Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 17 2012, 17:21
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Don't buy one of the latest Jimmy Savile advent calendars. They are crap. You can only get the flaps open from 1 to 15.
272 Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 17 2012, 17:24
Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Reebok Trotter wrote:Don't buy one of the latest Jimmy Savile advent calendars. They are crap. You can only get the flaps open from 1 to 15.
Sick.
273 Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 17 2012, 18:36
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Sick ? Humour is the best medicine.
274 Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 18 2012, 20:03
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
The British Way
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”
275 Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 17:20
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
The kids might take the piss out of my Alzheimers but I will have the last laugh when they wake up on Christmas morning to find no eggs under the bonfire.
277 Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 17:44
gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Well done RT, pee'd myself when I saw this one
278 Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 21:00
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
I am sure I have spoken to this person, or at least his brother
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No?Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'
means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
......and you do, don't you?!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
I am sure I have spoken to this person, or at least his brother
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No?Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'
means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
......and you do, don't you?!!!
279 Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 21:51
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your
money back.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your
money back.
280 Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 21:54
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"
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