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Joke Thread

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261Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 03 2012, 18:26

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

My new Muslim girlfriend keeps hinting about a blowjob. I don't know whether to get my todger out or warn London transport....

262Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 07 2012, 01:48

terenceanne

terenceanne
El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf

Little Jimmy comes home from school .... Dad asks "how was the sex education class"

little Jimmy replies .... "not bad, but it sure makes your arse hurt"

263Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 07 2012, 01:52

terenceanne

terenceanne
El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf

What's the similarity between a rowing boat of Irish sailors and a used condom?

They are both full of thick seamen.

264Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 07 2012, 01:55

terenceanne

terenceanne
El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf

A Chinese man was lying in bed with his wife .....

He says to the wife, "I could use a bit of 69"

The wife goes "what the hell do you want Chicken & Noodles now for"

265Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 10 2012, 19:29

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

266Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 12 2012, 11:53

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Freddy Starr, DLT, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall have joined forces to form a new boy band sponsored by Viagra. 'One Erection' will be releasing ' Sweet child of mine' just in time for Xmas.

267Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 12 2012, 11:55

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Breaking News..... Nurse Jucintha Sadanhas has turned up safe and well. In a phone call to the Australian DJ's concerned, she said, ' Beat that for a fucking wind-up'.

268Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 12 2012, 12:21

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator

Reebok Trotter wrote:Freddy Starr, DLT, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall have joined forces to form a new boy band sponsored by Viagra. 'One Erection' will be releasing ' Sweet child of mine' just in time for Xmas.

 lol!

269Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Dec 15 2012, 20:36

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor Rumanian orphans. I had to decline the purchase because knowing my luck I would probably bloody win one!

270Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Dec 15 2012, 20:40

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

I bought a Xmas tree today and the assistant asked me, ' Are you putting it up yourself'?

Somewhat taken aback, I replied, ' No you sick bastard. It's for my living room'

271Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 17 2012, 17:21

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Don't buy one of the latest Jimmy Savile advent calendars. They are crap. You can only get the flaps open from 1 to 15.

272Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 17 2012, 17:24

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Reebok Trotter wrote:Don't buy one of the latest Jimmy Savile advent calendars. They are crap. You can only get the flaps open from 1 to 15.

Sick.

273Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Dec 17 2012, 18:36

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Sick ? Humour is the best medicine.

274Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Dec 18 2012, 20:03

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

The British Way
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”


275Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 17:20

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

The kids might take the piss out of my Alzheimers but I will have the last laugh when they wake up on Christmas morning to find no eggs under the bonfire.

276Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 17:34

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

:rofl:

277Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 17:44

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

Well done RT, pee'd myself when I saw this one lol!

278Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 21:00

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

I am sure I have spoken to this person, or at least his brother


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No?Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'
means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
......and you do, don't you?!!!


279Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 21:51

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your
money back.

280Joke Thread - Page 14 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Dec 19 2012, 21:54

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"

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