Joke Thread

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a

stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed,



'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Reebok Trotter wrote:Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"

History of the Condom

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a
goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the
intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me, it was sent to me as a public service for the
advancement of my education.

You just got to love the Brits.

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked
the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching,
he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was
no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and
opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?
"The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis,
So fuck off and wait for a camel!"

It looks like the guy doing the sign language has had a similar mishap!

https://youtu.be/_aWXrlgaDok

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Barbara.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cathouse was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

Hilarious Irish commentator on Olympic sailing.

http://gawker.com/5932302/the-best-olympic-commentary-ever-is-too-good-for-television?tag=londonolympics&fb_source=message

A small boy got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre.
He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

The child replied, "Granddad."

The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"

The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Cans of lager and women with big tits."

Also up north a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opens the washing machine then stops, thinking for a minute.
He shouts to his missus,

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replies. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yells back, “Manchester United.”

On form tonight RT, keep em coming.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

This is what will happen when we are forced to work after age 70.

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=19THRdXxmaI

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
> She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
> Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
> The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
> 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
> The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
> 'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
> The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
> 'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
> 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
> 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Two old guys, one 84 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 84 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy levels high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 84 year old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.”
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London .

They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL DRINKS 10p.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"



There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of bitter. In no time the bartender serves up four frothing pints of bitter, and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their pints, and order another round.

Again, four excellent pints are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."
They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two pints and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve a pint of bitter as good as this for a 10p a piece?"



"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer. It's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their pints of beer, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.



Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says,

"They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price"