Joke Thread

Bloody hell RT you're on fire tonight!

I'm in a party mood now that the World is still is one piece! Just chilling out with the Co Op's finest bitter and looking forward to Peterborough in the morning.

Last one before bed. The dreaded botty burp. A similar thing happened to me one night but I couldn't match this bugger for the sweetness of tone.

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_humor/one_last_kiss.shtml

Last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I took a day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a bracelet as well. But I said, "That's fine, baby." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service
at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her
purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should
do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Just in case people missed this clip, posted by RT on another thread.

I challenge anyone not to laugh at this!

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.


The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself...!”

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom... "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"

The Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.



There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.



It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"



He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."



Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She says.



"Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there"



"But what about the smell?"



"Just hold its little nose."



The man is expected to recover; but the frozen skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
Half!'

The nun fainted !

LATEST NEWS FROM MANCHESTER , BRADFORD & LEEDS













نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما



If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

Duz tha speak Yorkshire ?

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi us."
..........................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"
.........................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then, lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
.........................................................................................
Police have just released details of a new drug craze prevalent in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire clubgoers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called `E by gum`.

One too many!

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2012/07/the-ultimate-drunk-fails-compilation.html

Reebok Trotter wrote:One too many!

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2012/07/the-ultimate-drunk-fails-compilation.html

RT Brilliant- keep 'em coming!!

A woman walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her arm revealing a huge hairy armpit. She pointed to all the people at the bar and asked, ' What man will buy a lady a drink ?'
Down at the end of the bar, an old drunk slammed his hand down and bellowed, ' Bartender, give the ballerina a drink'
The bartender asked the drunk, ' Tell me Paddy, how do you know she is a ballerina ?'
The drunk replied, ' Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.'

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational
..... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
And before you know it, these two will merge,
and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Are you insured for sex?
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.


Please find a list of the companies below catering for most tastes
Sex with your wife
...............................Legal & General

Sex on the telephone
...............................Direct Line

Sex with your partner
...............................Standard Life

Sex with someone different
...............................Go Compare

Sex with a fat bird
...............................More Than

Sex on the backseat of a car
...............................Sheila’s Wheels

Sex with a posh bird
...............................Privileged

Sex with a transvestite
...............................Confused. com

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd but complies, fastening the springs, as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd but figures it's harmless and the guy is paying.
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
Her climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'


'Ah,' says the German, 'zat is ze Four-sprung Duck technique.'

After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
So he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”