Joke Thread

Allah be praised


A look at a highly misplaced Belief
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.


He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?


Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."


The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"


Allah replied quizzingly, "Who told you they were women?!"

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT AND WORTH £400,000 PER WEEK?

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7" David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league." Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level.
But he's the best manager I've ever had." David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona" Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester .
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough ." Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Thierry Henry

"Sometimes in football you don't have to score goals" David Ngog

Natasha Whittam wrote:"Sometimes in football you don't have to score goals" David Ngog

You made that one up but it's a good one!

A little kid, crying,can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “I have no idea.”

Liverpool are raving about SAS Sturridge and Suarez, Man Utd are struggling for a phrase for Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawani. Evra, Rooney, and Smalling.

 

OneFinFreedman wrote:One Day Mother was out, and dad was in charge.

Penny was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

 

OneFinFreedman wrote:A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.

 

xmiles wrote:Australian: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Australian: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

 

Two Chinese men break into a distillery. One turns to the other, " Isn't this whisky?"

The other replies, " Of course, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank."

A man walks into a brothel and takes a young prostitute up to a spare room, he asks her for a 69.

They get into position and begin, 2minutes into the act she farts in his face but appologises, another 2minutes later she does it again.

The man turns around and says ''if you think i'm paying for another 67 of those you can think again''

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
   

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.   Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.      Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.   A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...       Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!   An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan !  He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats!  It’s doing well!  Prophets are going through the roof!!   Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.   A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, I took the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!     Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!   My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.   Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Some little gems there!