Joke Thread

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

The Pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Liverpool
Billy walks on stage and asks “can you help me with my hearing”
The Pope says “Yes” and puts his hands on Billy’s ears and prays
Then the Pope says “How is your hearing now?”
Billy says “I don’t know, it’s not ‘til next Wednesday”

Man walks into library and asks if there's a book on committing suicide available?
Librarian says fuck off you won't bring it back!!

Just got the tree and decorations down from the loft and found a present I forgot to give the kids last year...pretty gutted really cause I know they would have loved a kitten!

What is a Dilemma?


A student asked his English professor to define a dilemma. The professor said there's nothing better than an example.

"Imagine you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?"

Reebok Trotter wrote:What is a Dilemma?


A student asked his English professor to define a dilemma. The professor said there's nothing better than an example.

"Imagine you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?"

  

I'm sick of sweaters for Christmas, I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer!

A teacher goes round the class asking the kids what they need at home.
Sue says a computer to which the teacher says that's useful.
Billy says a new lawn mower and receives a similar response.
Little Johnny responds they have a requirement for nothing to which the teacher asks him to think again.
Little Johnny confirms this by telling the class when his sister started dating a MUFC fan that his dad had stated that's the last fucking thing we need!!

Modified slightly for PC reasons!!!!!

The wife has just come back from a visit to the Doctor and informed me that she is suffering from an iron deficiency.........

That's her Christmas present sorted.....

If only it was so easy, RT  

I was out with the lads last night and a prostitute approached me and said I could have sex with her for £10, but she didn't have a womb.

I said 'Well how can we do it then?'

She pointed and said...

'Acwoss the woad against the wailings'.

Just before Christmas and once again I am in the doghouse.

Me: “My dear, what can I help you with”?

She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in the pot.”

Reebok Trotter wrote:Just before Christmas and once again I am in the doghouse.

Me: “My dear, what can I help you with”?

She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in the pot.”

  

What's the difference between 3 big cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke.

A man walks into a brothel and from the menu behind the desk asks for a 69.

Just as the man and the prositute start, she farts in his face. ''I am so sorry'' she says, ''not to worry let's just carry on'' the man replies.

2 minutes later she does it again, ''oh god I can't apologise enough for this'' she says again, ''no problem love but if yout think I am paying for another 67 again you can fuck off''.

BoltonTillIDie wrote:Phil Brown has emerged as the early favourite for the Cardiff job, owing to his experience of managing with a crazy Tan!