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Bwfc1958
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49 posters
Message [Page 45 of 50]
881 Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 03 2015, 17:33
karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Posts : 38250
Join date : 2012-08-04
882 Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 18 2015, 22:01
Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
A husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it loads, break dancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy over there? 25 years ago he proposed to me but I turned him down."
"Well it looks like he's still fucking celebrating", replied the husband.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy over there? 25 years ago he proposed to me but I turned him down."
"Well it looks like he's still fucking celebrating", replied the husband.
883 Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 18 2015, 22:36
Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
That one made me chuckleBwfc1958 wrote:A husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it loads, break dancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy over there? 25 years ago he proposed to me but I turned him down."
"Well it looks like he's still fucking celebrating", replied the husband.
884 Re: Joke Thread Sat Jan 02 2016, 22:22
Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition..
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition..
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
885 Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 03 2016, 11:11
Guest
Guest
A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does
so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats
it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased
he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house,
he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at
two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them
to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He
hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from
the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the
bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he
knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions
eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up
to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and
Chimps with Mushy Bees
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does
so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats
it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased
he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house,
he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at
two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them
to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He
hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from
the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the
bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he
knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions
eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up
to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and
Chimps with Mushy Bees
886 Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 03 2016, 11:13
Guest
Guest
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
887 Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 18:43
Boggersbelief
Nat Lofthouse
I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep
Should look cool on my black jeep
888 Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 18:49
boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Boggersbelief wrote:I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep
Surprised Magoo didn't beat you to it.
890 Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 19:03
Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
boltonbonce wrote:Boggersbelief wrote:I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep
Surprised Magoo didn't beat you to it.
891 Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 19:03
Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Boggersbelief wrote:I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep
I don't get it.
892 Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 19:18
Boggersbelief
Nat Lofthouse
Natasha Whittam wrote:Boggersbelief wrote:I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep
I don't get it.
Standard
893 Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 20:16
Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
|
894 Re: Joke Thread Wed Jan 06 2016, 20:36
Guest
Guest
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the
channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do".
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the
channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do".
895 Re: Joke Thread Thu Jan 07 2016, 23:28
Boggersbelief
Nat Lofthouse
A dead sperm whale washed up on the beach today.
It was just a dead whale until I arrived on the scene.
It was just a dead whale until I arrived on the scene.
896 Re: Joke Thread Thu Jan 07 2016, 23:57
Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
"Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.
"Piss off!" He replied.
"Suit yourself then," I replied, as I zipped up my backpack and continued with my walk.
"Piss off!" He replied.
"Suit yourself then," I replied, as I zipped up my backpack and continued with my walk.
897 Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 08 2016, 10:46
Guest
Guest
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "€250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "€750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "€1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "€250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "€750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "€1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
898 Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 08 2016, 11:01
Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
y2johnny wrote:A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "€250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "€750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "€1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
899 Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 08 2016, 11:15
Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I was being chatted up by this right ugly bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I had a nickname, I said "Yes my mates call me the sledge," she giggled & asked "Is that because you're a smooth ride?" I said"No, it's because I always get pulled by fuckin dogs!"
900 Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 08 2016, 11:21
Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Wife texts husband in the morning: "windows frozen, won't open"
Husband texts back:
"gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap the edges with a hammer".
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"computer really messed up now".
Husband texts back:
"gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap the edges with a hammer".
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"computer really messed up now".
Message [Page 45 of 50]
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