Joke Thread

Mummy," asks Susie, "why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"

"Oh, that's just the way my mother  always did it. You'll have to ask her."

"Granny," ask Susie the next time her grandmother visited, "why do you and Mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"

"Oh, that's just the way my mother  always did it," says Susie's granny. "You'll have to ask her."

"Great Granny," asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile great grandmother at the nursing home, "why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?"

"Oh, for FUCKS sake" says Great Granny, "are they still using that fucking small  pan?"

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

I appreciate all these jokes if no one else does 58. Even if you did call me a bellend

I'm not saying the women who go into my local are rough..

But there's a paper bag machine in the gents

Just for round to reading them all. Quality.

Funnily enough i got thrown out of b and q today. Some bellend in an orange apron came upto me and asked i wanted decking. I thought fook that and got the first punch in

Old Gunslinger.........


A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized
an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the
reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him
a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said,
'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player. That's terrific!' said the
hot shot. Got any more tips for me?'

Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster
where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,
drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here.
Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared
some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse and it won't hurt as much.

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

Prescription Drugs and Side Effects

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast,
and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now.
"It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.”

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get up out of bed? I'm starving."

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel fuckin great!!!'

I was telling this woman about how I had the amazing ability to guess what day a woman was born just from squeezing her breasts. 

"Really",  she said, "go on then, try". 

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "come on then, what day was i born?" 

"Yesterday ", I replied.

Please read!!!!!

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Charles, you know that fur coat you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it with the insurance money."
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes and then said, "Charles, remember that new car you promised me and never bought? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, that emerald necklace you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, Charles, remember that blow job I promised you? ........ Well, here it comes!"

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. 

She approached him, smiled and said, "hello, my name's Carmen." 

"That's a beautiful name",  he replied, "is it a family name?" 

"No", she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy the most - cars and men, therefore I chose Carmen. What's your name?" 

He answered, "B.J Titsengolf!".

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.