Joke Thread

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low.

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,
and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach,
and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now
numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and
threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water
after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants,
a Manchester united supporter, and anything French!'

A businessman returns from the Far East. After a few days he notices strange, multi-colored growth on his penis. Puzzled, he decides to consult several doctors, all specialists in their respective fields of study.

They all reach a consensus and tell the man, “We've seen this before. You've been screwing around in the Far East; this is very common there, absolutely no cure for it at all. Unfortunately, we'll have to cut it off.”

At first the man panics, but later on figures that if it is that common in the Far East, then surely they must know how to cure it there. So the man returns back to where his troubles began and sees a local doctor in Pakistan, an expert in his field of study.

The doctor finishes examining him and says, "Ah, You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very, very common problem here. Did you consult any other doctors about this?”

The man sheepishly replies, “Yes, a few in the USA.”

The doctor smiles then laughingly says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

With a faint glimmer of hope, the man emphatically answers, "YES!"

"Nonsense! That is not correct," said the doctor.

"It will fall off all by itself."

My grandma always told me to have a happy life was to make the little things count. SO I now teach maths to dwarves.

I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.

"We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."


"Great, can you start Monday?"

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

on a roll today 58

Ben Amos has trained today and had 4,000 shots fired at him in 3 hours and didn't concede a single goal. 

Tomorrow, he and Heskey will train with the rest of the squad.

y2johnny wrote:on a roll today 58

I have them stored up and need to unburden myself 

Did you hear that Richard Branson was considering sponsoring us?

Apparently, he pulled out because he didn't feel it was right to have 'Virgin' written across the shirt of a team that gets fcuked every Saturday.

An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this fucking church."
The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this fucking church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation.
The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money."
"I see," said the Bishop, "and is this cunt giving you a hard time?"

A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."

Barbs music quiz

Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.


Dear Mr. Smith,
Many thanks for your letter suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the new show is actually Fact Hunt.

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours,
Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London.