Joke Thread

The boss has a big decision to make business is at an all time low, so decides he needs to get rid of one of his office staff.

He narrows it down to two Mary and Jack two of his hardest but ageing staff members, so he decides that whichever of the two uses the coffee machine first will be the one.

Mary is first in the office, having partied hard the night before heads straight for a coffee, boss walks straight up to her and says, look Iv'e never had to do this before, but I need to lay you or Jack off,

Please can you jack off, I feel like shit.

Scouser walks into the job centre, asks the assistant, look mate I'm sick of claiming benefits, find me a job!

Assistant looks on his computer, ah just the job, there's this wealthy businessman in Formby looking for a chauffeur, you will be given a 2015 model Mercedes C class, and the job entails you driving for his 24 year old stunning Daughter, you will be provided with tailor made Italian clothes, as you are expected to accompany her to private functions.

You will also be provided with designer Summer clothes as you will be expected to accompany her on her many travels, and one of your expected duties is to have regular sex with her, and with her only being 24 she has a huge sexual appetite.

Fucking hell you are taking the piss, well you started it.

So I asked this girl in a Blackpool casino, what are these chips worth?

She replied without ketchup just a wank mate.

A Poem about Tomatoes

I know a young Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, because they're still in the tin.

I went shopping at tesco in Manchester recently. I was looking for a nice accompaniment for some pork I was planning on having for my tea. I went up to a young lad who was stacking shelves. "Excuse me, have you got any mint sauce"? 
He said,"we've got some ketchup over there mate, that's pretty mint".

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=735317579838473

If you haven't seen this take a look, made me laugh out loud!

Chairmanda wrote:https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=735317579838473

If you haven't seen this take a look, made me laugh out loud!

That's brilliant, it's a cross lol.

A party of fonts went into a bar,but the owner chucked them out.He said "We don't want your type in here".

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

While we're laughing at / with our Scouse friends:

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose and is endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective".

"You're still fucking late", replied my boss.

A family are driving behind a bin truck when a dildo flies off and hits the windscreen.

Embarrased, and to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns round and says,"don't worry, it was just an insect".

To which her son replies,"I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that".

 Stop it! I can't eat my tea and laugh at the same time.

My new girlfriend said to me,"after an orgasm I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each other's arms, what about you".
I said, "I usually just delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away."

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

"Fuck off", said the librarian, "you won't bring it back".

** RACIST JOKE REMOVED **