Joke Thread

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Cal Pistol

This is a story of self control and marksmanship, by a woman against a fierce predator.



“Whilst out hiking in Alberta Canada, with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise
happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at
the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home
before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive
this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily
appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Don't wait up.

Warning: non PC Irish jokes follow:

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a policewoman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.







Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "N ow, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,

"YUCK, these taste like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.



What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well hung.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.


What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

“Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”

“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’”

Crack snacker...

Spillthebeans wrote:

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice. Except Chris Brown.

Draining my glass, Murphy said "I must be off. I'm taking night school classes in Vietnamese.'

Why so , asked the bartender.

" Well, we've just adopted a Vietnamese baby and I want to know what it says when it grows up", replied Murphy.

Keegan wrote:Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice. Except Chris Brown.

An Irishman walks into a pub and asks the barman, ' How much is your lager?'

The barman replies, ' It's £2 a pint and £7 for a pitcher.'

Paddy replies, ' I'll just have a pint, bollocks to the photo.'

I asked my Scouse mate why he only spent £3 on his mum for Mothers Day.

" That's all she had in her purse." was the reply.

I went to Loylds to get some condoms. I walked
over to the one of the staff members and asked if they had any condoms.
She said "We don't have any, try Boots" and I said "I want to
slide in, not march in."

Spillthebeans wrote:I went to Loylds to get some condoms. I walked
over to the one of the staff members and asked if they had any condoms.
She said "We don't have any, try Boots" and I said "I want to
slide in, not march in."