Joke Thread

A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.


You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.
You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'
Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.
(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

= Bless the Scots =

As  men age, we start seeing more of the medical world,  which nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.  And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.  I saw her  yesterday, and she's  absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I  must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine  you..."

I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said,"do you like my new piercing?"

After a few seconds she said,"where's the piercing then?"

I said,"in my ear."

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.  The wife was the romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.  She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:  "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."

The husband text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost
fell down in surprise when he saw him.  Murphy had never
been seen in church in his life.  After Mass, the priest
caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you
decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.  A while
back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really loved that
hat.  I know that McGlynn had one just like mine and I knew
that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.  I also knew that
McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured
he would leave it in the back of church.  So, I was going
to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't
steal McGlynn's hat.  What changed your mind?"

Murphy said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked
about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather
do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said "No, Father, after you
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered
where I left my hat."

Isn't it funny that there's a band called One Direction?
Because that's what I call my asshole.

(Rebel Wilson)

Had me fooled there. Thought it was gonna be a toilet joke.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."

A young catholic couple die in a car crash on their way to get married.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.
When he shows up, they ask him if they could get married there.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out.
The couple sit and wait.......and wait.......and wait.....
After 3 long months St. Peter finally returns, looking like he's been through absolute hell.
"Yes", he says "you can marry".
"Great!" say the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce?"
St. Peter, red faced with anger, slams his clip-board onto the ground. He shouts -
"It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here!"
"Do you have any idea how long It'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Barb Dwyer wrote:A young catholic couple die in a car crash on their way to get married.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.
When he shows up, they ask him if they could get married there.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out.
The couple sit and wait.......and wait.......and wait.....
After 3 long months St. Peter finally returns, looking like he's been through absolute hell.
"Yes", he says "you can marry".
"Great!" say the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce?"
St. Peter, red faced with anger, slams his clip-board onto the ground. He shouts -
"It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here!"
"Do you have any idea how long It'll take me to find a lawyer?"

An Engineer is having trouble finding a job so he opens a medical clinic with a sign saying:
"Get your treatment for $500. If it's not successful we'll give you $1000!"

A doctor thinks this is a good chance to earn some cash, so he rocks up and says,
"I've lost my sense of taste."

The engineer replies, "Nurse, please place 3 drops from box 22 in the patients mouth."

The doctor tastes the drops and immediately screams, "This is petrol!"

"Congratulations!" says the engineer. "You've got your taste back. That'll be $500."

Annoyed, the doctor returns a couple of days later to attempt to recover his money and says,
"I've lost my memory!"

The engineer has a bit of a think and replies, "Nurse, please put 3 drops from box 22 in the patients mouth."

"But that's petrol!" the doctor cries out again.
"Congratulations!" says the engineer. "You've clearly got your memory back, that'll be $500 please."

The doctor gets really pissed off, so he returns a few days later and says,
"My eyesight has become extremely weak."

The engineer replies, "Well, I'm afraid I don't have any medicine for weak eyesight.
But here, take this $1000."

"But this is $500!" exclaims the doctor.

"Congratulations!" says the engineer. "You got your vision back! That'll be $500."

Q: How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

Teacher: "Billy, if you have five sweets and Mohammed asks
for one, how many will you have left?"
Billy: "Five"