Joke Thread

I was once asked if I preferred legs or breast. I replied that I preferred a shaved fanny but apparently that isn't really appropriate in KFC.

At least 84 people dead as supporters of rival teams clash after a football match in Egypt. The football world is shocked to the core that no Liverpool fans were involved.

I was getting a blow job off a girl with downs syndrome, but she wouldn't swallow. So to get my own back everytime I masturbated I used to cum on the window and let nature take it's course.

Apparently glass coffins are going to be all the rage! That remains to be seen.

Bad weather hits another football fixture. Tottenham match is off due to Harry Redknapp's bank accounts being frozen.

I said to our 16 year old baby sitter last night you remind me of my little toe .
She said WHY is it because i am well formed, small and cute.
I said no it's because when i come home drunk tonight I'm going to bang you on that coffee table.

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my Mrs. walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age but eventually.........

There she was, stood beside me.

I gave her a cheeky wink

and said,

"Get that fucking trolley over here, they're doing three cases of Beer for the price of two"

A Blackburn girl and boy are playing hide and seek. The girls sends the boy a text saying, ' If you can find me I will let you give me one!' ....

and if you can't, I am hiding in the shed.

I just got knocked off my bike by a lorry salting the roads.

"You Fucking Cunt" I shouted, through gritted teeth!

For some reason the following has won joke of the year:

"Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes"

by some bloke called Tim Vine.

Are you laughing out loud?

I actually like Tim Vine.

I went to the gym this morning & i asked the trainer which machine i should use to impress the women.
He said "The cash machine you fat twat"

After being thrown in jail, I was bummed relentlessly for an hour.

Sometimes I think my uncle takes Monopoly too seriously !

Whatever you do, do not join Tescos dating agency. You get lumbered with a bag for life!

Did you know that Danny Wellbeck's dad served as a bomb disposal expert in Belfast ? He was called Stan Wellbeck.

Keep them coming RT!

A woman brings eight year old johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, " Let's not be too harsh on them...they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
" Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. " He's taken her fcuking appendix out!"

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came
into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

I've just started dating a policewoman. She only shaves her private parts once a week. My pet name for her is ' Cuntstubble.'

One from the fat dead Irish guy:

I don't think my wife loves me anymore. When I had a heart attack she immediately wrote for an ambulance.

A bomb got thrown into my mum and dads bedroom the other night and blasted them both out of the window.

The first time they have been out together in years.