Joke Thread

Irish historians have just found what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man who ever lived. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

Reebok Trotter wrote:Irish historians have just found what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man who ever lived. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the- blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus

I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging,my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then, she giggled and said, "Well, I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off..

Thank you for that one!

OneOinCoyle wrote:
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the- blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus

I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging,my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then, she giggled and said, "Well, I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off..

That raised a titter!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table £80. Hot Breakfast: £3. Two Aspirins: £1. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

I bumped into a cross eyed women today, she said "you better look where your going", I said "feck off, you better go where your looking"

I had a dream I was constantly driving round a roundabout whilst masturbating.............. I was tossing and turning all night.

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump. ' When I got to the door I couldn't jump. The 6'7" man mountain instructor unzipped his fly and drops out a 12" todger and says " If you don't jump Paddy, your'e gonna get this baby right where the sun doesn't shine!"

Mick says, " Did you jump ?" Paddy says, " A bit, when it first went in."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear the worlds greatest blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Liverpool have asked the FA for permission for their fans to bring flares to Wembley on Sunday. Apparently, last time they were there everyone was wearing them.

Teacher tells class, " Make a sentence using the word dough."

Little Jane raises her hand, " In Italy they make pizza using special dough."

" Very good" says teacher.

Little Mary raises her hand, " My brother makes dinosaurs out of play dough."

" Excellent" say teacher.

Little Jimmy raises his hand, " Our mum says dad is a crap shag so she has to use a dill dough."

I said to my girlfriend you remind me of a parking ticket she said "aww babe you think I've got fine written all over me"
No I've just see you from a distance and you already pissed me off

A Biology teacher draws a penis on the chalkboard and says, " Can anyone tell what this is ?"

Little Johnny replies, " Yes Miss, my father has two of them."

" Two ? are you sure ?" says teacher.
" Yes " says Johnny, " he has a little one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."

Morris returns from the doctor
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.


Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.


Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.


About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,


'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one
more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch


and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,


'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'


She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.


He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


Do you think we
could...'


At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning.... you don't.'

Ouch!

Liverpool have finally took home a trophy after 6 years.. The Carling Cup..

It's a bit like being single for 6 years and bringing home Susan Boyle.

Wife came home from work to find her husband watching football.

"I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is watch football,talk about football. You think about nothing else" she said. "I'm also seeing someone else, who is younger, fitter,handsome, tender, treats me like a queen and is an amazing lover. We have sex seven times a day and it is the greatest I've ever had by a long way"

"Really" replies the husband "What team does he support?"