Joke Thread

A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents, "this is Amanda" his dad jumps up and says "shes a f@#kin what"

What do Disney World and Viagra have in common
They both expect you to stand around for hours for a 2 minute ride

A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque and pulls out a rectal thermometer........great she sighs........some arsehole's got my pen

A guy goes into the Pharmacy and asks for Viagra, the chemist says " I need medical proof that you need it ". The guy says " will a photo of the wife do"

Hello and welcome 'Beans'.

Very pleased that you've finally decided to post with us.

You've got some cracking jokes there - have you got any more to tell us?

Spillthebeans wrote:A guy goes into the Pharmacy and asks for Viagra, the chemist says " I need medical proof that you need it ". The guy says " will a photo of the wife do"

Ha ha, I like that one

An oldie but sickie..



What's the difference between a lorryload of sand and a lorryload of babies?













You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.

Father Fitzpatrick lets the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity. Asked how he felt afterwards, he replied, " It feels a bit weird but it makes my cock look bigger."

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Buddy replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

A Hicktown Hillybilly and his son were watching an 18 rated film and his son said, " Jesus Dad, I'm getting scared, is that lady going going to die ?"

The father replied, " Probably son..........judging by the size of that horses tackle."

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and see's this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy see's the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: " I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. The small guy says: Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, i thought you said, "Turn around."

Two Women were chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After
dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?


Husband 2: Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember
there was no electricity so I had to light f*cking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another f*cking hour.

What's the difference between love and herpes?



































Herpes lasts a lifetime.

John heard the door open and saw his 16 year old son, Tom, walk in - slightly drunk. John said "Are you alright, son?" Tom replied "I'm great, Dad - I just had sex for the first time!" John was quite proud of his son and promised to buy him a new bicycle at the end of the month when he got his salary. Tom replied, "That's fine, Dad - I won't be able to ride it before then, anyway!"

Pippa Middleton has just won the rear of the year competition. I was just wondering how to enter it!

three old dears are sitting chatting on a park bench when out of the blue a young guy wearing a long jackets stands in front of them and flashes his goods, two of the old dears have a stroke and the third one couldn't reach

Recycled for Hater:

A young Blackburn couple were getting married and as the evening reception drew to a close, they announced that they were going to retire for the evening.

As they walked up the stairs of the Golden Cup she leaned towards her new husband and whispered gently into his ear "I do hope you are going to be gentle with me darling - I'm a virgin."

The young lad turns to her and says "Here's the room key babe. Just go ahead and make yourself comfortable - I'll be back in a couple of minutes." Off he rushes back down to the reception and drags his dad away from the bar into a quiet corner.

"I need your advice Dad. She says she's a virgin. What should I do?"

Dad thinks about it for a minute and says "You should leave her son. Immediately."

"What?" says our boy. "But I can't leave her - I've only just married her!"

Dad looks him straight in the eye and says....















"Look - if she's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours."

It's my stepsons birthday today so as a surprise I have left an extra tenner in my coat pocket.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said,
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said,
"I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Paddy hates his wifes cat so much that he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home it's there.

Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home it's there again.

So next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it. Six hours later he rings his wife and asks, " Is that fcuking cat home ?

" Yes, why ?" replies his wife.

Paddy says, " Put the cnut on the phone, I'm lost."