Nigerian Scouting thread.

Not yet, my staff are collecting it on Friday.

Will see.

I have excellent news to report. The opening of the Church of the Holy Cow was brought forward to today because the Archbishop of Amanzimtoti had a prearranged christening in Ballyskillen tomorrow. My staff reported that the opening went without a hitch apart from a tragic incident just prior to the BBQ.

The Archbishop was decked in his finest regalia including his mitre and sceptre and was happy to have his picture taken for the Nuts forum.


Archbishop Dustin Timberwolf of Amanzimtoti




Staff photograph at the tradesmens entrance of the Church of the Holy Cow


Robin Graves and Prester John


The finished product.


The only blot on the landscape was the presence of a Boko Harem protester who was making a nuisance of himself by shouting ' Allah Akbar ' throughout the proceedings. While the congregation were enjoying Vol-Au-Vents and cocktail sausages the pesky blighter slipped into the vestry unseen and helped himself to all the cash donations. He made off on foot but made the fatal mistake of running off across the field where the Brahma bull was awaiting its fate. Unfortunately for the thief he slipped on a large cow pat and ended up launching himself head first resulting in him impaling himself up the bulls ringpiece. By the time the emergency service arrived it was too late and his funeral is scheduled for next Tuesday.

All of the stolen monies were recovered and alls well that ends well. Pastor Graves was ever so grateful for the sponsorship and sends his best wishes to all the Bolton Nuts members and Archbishop Timberland has promised to say a prayer for Bolton Wanderers.

On the downside, the BBQ had to be cancelled because the bull had to be taken to the local abattoir to have its unwelcome host surgically removed.


Holy Cow tragedy.

Glad all your hard work came to a successful conclusion RT.

Banks of the Croal wrote:Glad all your hard work came to a successful conclusion RT.

Well I didn't do anything really, apart from supplying the financial clout. I think the workmen did a splendid job tbh. You wouldn't get that standard of workmanship in such a quick time in the UK.

You never say if you got $500? Also what is address of church so I can find prove on google.

  Yes we got the $500. As for the address, the Church is situated on Alhaji Abubakar Tafawa Balewa Boulevard in downtown Lagos. If you want to go and see it for yourself then just take a taxi from Murtala Muhammed Airport. When you reach the Boulevard keep going for about two kilometres and it's just past Sainsburys on the left. If you get to Morrisons you have gone too far and you need to turn around at the old Oak tree roundabout. You can't miss it because it is decorated in yellow ribbons. Hope this helps.

Am not goin there but darequam cm confirm this infomation Becase his livij ther.

September
Report 1
Given a short break from school, I decided to journey back to lagos to feel the cool atmosphere as I’ve really missed it. After spending a week chilling at the pleasing residential buildings, I decided to continue work on my scouting. As I did the last time I was in lagos, I went back to the national stadium where all children who participate in different sports come to. I got there on a Tuesday evening, and saw a group of guys playing together. I took a spot to keep watching the guys. It was soccer they were playing but unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be a quality one. I was disappointed I wasted my time studying them, but after I went round the stadium to see if there were any other boys playing, but couldn’t see any.

Video: https://youtu.be/mGDQ43eMWKU

Report 2
I got back to the stadium the following weekend, unlike the other day when I met a low turnout, it was entirely another story this time. There were enough guys out there either just practicing or playing in a football set. I took my time, went round and then settled with a group, as different sets keep coming in and replacing the other, I watched and analysed carefully. It was after this that I noticed Fijabi Monsuru, playing from the middle for his team mates, he showed much evidence that he could later become a prolific striker. Watch Fijabi in a red jersey playing to the left side of the pitch.
Video: https://youtu.be/ecXg6vxT1R8


Report 3

Before leaving the national stadium last weekend, On sourcing for information on Fijabi, I met a bloke who leaked to me an info about a match to take place at a certain area in lagos. It was to happen in a famous pitch in Ajah, though a far region from where I stayed. I took it up as one of the difficult tasks encountered by a normal scout and set out early enough on the day so I can meet the kick off. After going through a rigorous journey and parting with a lot of cash, I got there oonly to find out that the match has been started 15mins earlier. It was the blue sunshines playing with the red stars of ajah. The red stars made good use of their home advantage and had a goal up by the time I got there. The goal which was said to be scored by Tijani Dada was scored from a directly played freekick. The refree awarded another freekick against the blue sunshines and I saw how dangerous he was with his kicks. The first half however ended with score line the same as I met it.
When the second half started, the sunshines showed more determination and tried to balance out but it wasn’t long before the red stars added to their tally to make it 2. The goal scored by the later man of the match Arinze Uwansu who was nicknamed the black lampard. He played from the middle and showed how good he hi when it comes to blasting shots at the goal.
Video: https://youtu.be/KGkZfASIIxY

Report 4

Femi Ogunbiyi and Babatunde Sholebo showed they had the ups to make a team look like the Bayern Munich that beat England 3 – 1. Like the other days, I went to the stadium to check on the boys playing. It wasn’t long before I spotted the group of boys. It was the normal sets that most boys played around the stadium, I studied them and saw both players situated at the sides for their team. They both made good runs and delivered the ball to their front man as they kept playing like good wingers. Both are, with Femi on the left side and Tunde on the right.
Video: https://youtu.be/fWOuePfpzEs


As for the Pastor ish going about for the past week, I am very sure this pastor is fake and don’t understand why RT is feeling a basket with water when we can increase our present investment in the football scouting line in Africa.
Thank you and I apologise for being late before delivery.

Sterling work once again Brother Dar. Don't worry about the church project because the money actually came from the Saint Alopecia organisation of which I am a trustee. Unfortunately the terms and conditions for their charitable donations are limited to pious projects only, sporting endeavours are not recognised for contributions unfortunately.

I have also got some very bad news to report on the sponsorship front. After reading your latest tantalising reports I decided to visit Mustafa this morning, at the Crescent Moon Social Club in Bromley Cross. Imagine my surprise to find the premises completely boarded up with a notice from the police stating the club had been closed after the execution of a search warrant. There was a phone number for Bolton central copshop so I decided to make a call and find out just what the bloody hell has been going on. I got put through to a senior officer who called himself Inspector Pattle but after listening to his accent I deduced that his surname was actually Patel. Anyway, Inspector Patel explained that they had executed a search warrant under the misuse of drugs act after receiving numerous complaints from local residents regarding nocturnal activity at the club. The police had sent in an undercover officer who had found the place packed to the rafters with men of Arabic origin who were watching a strip show where women were gyrating on stage totally naked apart from a veil covering their faces. The men were all shouting ' Show us your face!'

The undercover cop had seen enough and immediately reported his findings to Inspector Patel who organised the search warrant. Both Mustafa and Fatima were arrested and a large quantity of counterfeit booze and cigarettes were recovered. On making further enquiries the police discovered that Mustafa had not applied for a music and entertainment licence and they had no option other than to shut down the club immediately.

On searching Mustafa's crib they discovered that he was actually an illegal immigrant from Bangladesh and that his real name was Mustafa Ganda. Intelligence on the police database indicated that he was suspected of being a peeping tom.

Both Mustafa and Fatima were charged with numerous offences and appeared before Judge Gusset at Bolton Crown Court the following day. He issued them both with an immediate deportation order and they were flown back to Bangladesh with their passports stamped ' Undesireable'.

In view of events we will have to write off any possible sponsorship from Mustafa and chalk it down to experience.

On the plus side I am due to attend a charity ball this evening at the Darby and Joan club on Silverwell Street. I have been asked to give a short talk on the benefits of prune juice and syrup of figs for senior citizens. A number of prominent Bolton businessmen have bought tickets for the event so I will do my best to tap them up on your behalf.


Crescent Moon Social Club

Excellent news on the sponsorship front. Last night I sat at the same table as Samuel and Jenny Crompton. They are both well known Bolton characters. Jenny was born Jenny Gillespie and in her teens she was the North West Disco dancing champion for three years running. She earned the nickname, Dizzy, because of her gyrations and pirouettes. Samuel was also a talented dancer in his own right and when the two of them locked eyes across the crowded dance floor of the Navada dance club on Spa Road back in 1968 it was love at first sight. As a dancing doubles duet they had no peers and as well as winning numerous dancing awards they also acted as body doubles for Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers. In later years Jenny became known as Spinning Jenny and Samuel earned the nickname of Snakehips.

Although they have now retired from the dance scene they still perform the Lambada on special occasions, but since Samuel was struck down with a bad case of gout they have restricted their exercise to line dancing which they attend twice a week at the Darby and Joan Club.

Samuel is happy to take over and cover Brother Dar's latest reports and has promised me that he will pop down to the post Office first thing Monday morning to cover things.

I also bumped into another Bolton businessman who has agreed to sponsor Brother Dar for 4 reports in October but I will hang fire with his introduction until we get confirmation from Brother Dar that he has received his wages for September.

Fortunately I had my camera with me and I managed to capture a picture of Sam and Jenny after they had just polished off their Porterhouse 18oz steaks. The Darby and Joan Club are renowned for their generous portions. Just look at the size of the plates!


Samuel and Jenny Crompton September sponsors.

His not look smilin and happy in you pictur. Maybe his not like is meal bein dissturb by a fool?

You're right there Mo, looks like he's swallowed a Wasp.

His look mor like the bulldog which is licking the piss off the thisel.

Mo, have you not thought about buying a Speak and Spell from Toys R Us?

Could prove to be a good investment.

Banks of the Croal wrote:Mo, have you not thought buying a Speak and Spell from Toys R Us?

Could prove to be a good investment.   

Good to go Brother Dar, I have just got off the phone with Mr Crompton. He overdid it with the Peri Peri sauce on his Porterhouse and ended up with a bad case of the Squitters. Fortunately a dose of Pepto-Bismol has firmed his stools up no end and he has managed to make it to the Post Office this evening without a malfunction in the trousers department.

Good morning y'all !!
This is to loud out the news that I have received my wages for the month of September. A big thanks to RT and Mr. Crompton for making things possible.
Work has already started on this months report and it should be expected early.

Excellent news Brother Dar. Your sponsor for the month of October is none other than Wilton Shagpile. Mr Shagpile was born in Weatherfield and for many years, together with his wife Mavis, was mine host at the Roach Hotel on Rochdale Road in Bury, a popular drinking spot on match days for the Gigg Lane Massive. He unfortunately lost his licence after an unannounced visit by the local Council pest control unit and he now runs the Carpet Inn on Ashfield Road in Sale, Cheshire, near Bolton. Mr Shagpile has agreed to sponsor you for four tantalising reports and if anyone is looking for good quality carpets at really good prices, including Berber and Axminster, then he is the man who can.


Wilton Shagpile October Sponsor.

Terrible news has just reached me from Nigeria. This morning I received an e-mail from Pastor Robin Graves notifying me that our church was the subject of an arson attack. The authorities are blaming it on those pesky blighters from Procul Harem. All that remains is a burnt out shell.

On the plus side, Father Graves has been in touch with the builders and as a goodwill gesture they have offered to rebuild the Church for only $88,000. I explained to the good father that I am only a trustee and that the board would be loath to give any more money because if they did, the Church could get burnt down again.

Father Graves explained that he could arrange for a security company, the Tonton Macoute West Side Crew, to protect the new building 24 hours a day on a 12 month contract for only $100,000. I know it's a reasonable price but I will have to run it by the board later today because I know they have put a lot of money aside for the impending swine flu epidemic in Karachi.

My head is in bits at the moment.

The remains of the Church.