Nigerian Scouting thread.

I have managed to acquire the services of a local Bolton businessman as our sponsor for April. He is currently on holiday in Cambodia but is due to return home on the 1st April. Step forward  Bolton Scrap Metal merchant, Richard  'Dick'  Spattlecock. Together with his son Harold he runs Spattlecock's Scrapyard on Raikes Lane and to this day he still lives in Bramble Cottage next door, which he built himself from Wattle and Daub in 1963..

For many years, Dick was a well known character in Bolton town centre where he could often be found lurking near to the ablutions ready for any potential cottaging opportunities. Nowadays his regular prescription for Bromide has reduced his habit and he spends most of his evenings glued to Babestation.

Dick has asked me to mention that if any Nuts viewers have any old iron sat around in their garage, he will pay top price to Wanderers supporters. He is particularly keen on purchasing copper wire and any old discarded manhole covers which posters may have lying around. He also buys Gold and will  pay £24 for any spare gold ingots as long as they are not embossed with the Brink's-Mat hallmark.

Dick and Harold have offered to sponsor Brother Dar for four tantalising reports for the month of April.


Dick Spattlecock..April sponsor


Harold Spattlecock..Joint sponsor

The popularity of Bolton Nuts is clearly spreading. I have received an e-mail today asking for financial assistance but before I put my hands in my pocket I will await any feedback from Brother Dar regarding the latest developments on the benevolent front.

Date: Friday 28th March 2014 16:17:34 -0800
From: Samuel Bo
Subject: cry for help

DEAR MR TROTTER,

PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH BOLTON NUTS. I GOT YOUR NAME AND CONTACT FROM THE NIGERIAN CHAMBER OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY. I PRAYED OVER IT AND SELECTED YOUR NAME AMONG OTHER NAMES DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN DO BUSINESS WITH AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE BUSINESS.

I AM SAMUEL BO, THE ONLY CHILD OF LATE MR AND MRS ALFRED BO. MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COAL MERCHANT BASED IN LAGOS, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF NIGERIA BEFORE HE WAS POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF THEIR OUTING TO DISCUSS ON A BUSINESS DEAL. WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE 21ST OCTOBER 1984, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM MOTHERLESS. BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER ON 24TH FEBUARY 2014 IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL HERE IN LAGOS. HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BEDSIDE AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A SUM OF US$15,000,000 (FIFTEEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS.DEPOSITED IN A SAFEFIDUCIARY AGENT IN EUROPE THROUGH A SECURITY COMPANY BASED IN LAGOS, NIGERIA.

THIS AMOUNT IS CONTAINED IN A SEALED TRUNK BOX ,IT WAS REGISTERED AND DECLEARED AS CONTAINING FAMILY TREASURES,SO EVEV AS I AM WRITEING YOU NOW THE SECURITY AND IT'S AGENTS ARE NOT AWARE OF THE CONTENTS CONTAINED AS MONEY IN THE TRUNK BOX .LET ME ASURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% HITCH AND FRISK FREE.BASED ON YOUR ACCEPT ING TO HELP ME I WILL BE GIVING YOU A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF PERCENTGEFOR YOUR INVOLVEMENT IN THIS AND THIS WILL BE DISCUS UPON YOUR RESPONCE TO MY MAIL .

HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY OF MY CHOICE WHERE I WILL MOVE THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSE ,(SUCH AS REAL ESTATE MANAGEMENT)
.
SIR, I AM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS.

1, TO ARRANGE AND TRAVEL IMMEDIATELY TO MEET WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY AGENT IN EUROPE FOR CLEARING.
2) YOU ARE TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND.
3)YOU WILL MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY. I HAVE DOCUMENTS AS REGARS TO THIS CLAIM.

BEST REGARDS.
SAMUEL BO

NB:PLEASE SEND A MAIL TO ME IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVED THIS E-MAIL FOR MORE DETAILS. AND PLEASE HASTEN UP FOR THE KILLERS OF MY DAD ARE ALSO RUNNING AFTER MY LIFEAND LIFE IS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME.

NIGERIANBOLTON WILL BE ABLE TO CONFIRM THAT BOLTON NUTS MAY BE MY ONLY SALVATION BECAUSE TIME IS NOT ON MY SIDE IN THE STRUGGLE AGAINS EVIL AND OPPRESSION

Lols !!! this looks to me like a common cliche used by nigerian scammers !!
RT please don't fall for the idiot, He is presently in a low life building pressing his keyboard at random for his next victim.
please and please once again, you shoul always seek my concent b4 dealing with nigerians because we are all smart here but not all nice.

Report April
Up on my feet on another Saturday morning to watch exciting participants of the sport named soccer, It was another interesting occasion for me. I watched the boys play for quite a while and after watching different sets replace each other, I found Eddy. He played upfront, displaying different attacking moves that often makes his opposition tremble, he was also very quick and skilful with the ball. An evidence for that was the last goal he scored in the concluding part of the video. Watch Eddy in a white shirt destroying his opposition.
Video: https://youtu.be/lvkocZnlGCM

Report 2

I made my way into the training camp of the Petroleum Engineering students, they were planning a friendly match with the mechanical engineering department. On getting there, I saw few players that had once featured in my reports. I monitored them as they trained together and all were doing well. The most outstanding of them was Sunday Sylvester, a midfielder I spotted back then. His touches were advanced than those of the other boys and he showed he could lead and dictate well in the midfield role he played. There were other impressive players on the pitch, but Sunday was just the only one worthy of being featured in my report.
Video: https://youtu.be/x1oPzXBWYFE

Report 3

Different collection of boys almost unknown to each other on the university’s sport complex. Students from different halls, and some, not from inside the school all came to the pitch for one sole aim, which is kicking the ball. They had enough players to pick 8 aside and play an interesting football. It was all fun watching them play together and trying to forge a bond with their team-mates for co-operational purpose on the pitch. After watching them play for more than 30mins, I spotted Atanda and Jerry. Both in opposing teams. Atanda was playing as an holding midfielder, and the great thing about him was his dribbles and technique of moving the ball. Might not be pirlo standard, but was thrilling. Jerry on the other side was playing as a forward and his own good point is the pace and positioning.
Video: https://youtu.be/RphePFfEWBk

Report 4

Today I find myself watching a rough match with a lot of hard tackles involved but it was worth watching as I saw someone of a build of a strong defender. His stand at the back was fearful for some of his opponents, and even when he was battered with ferocious tackles, he still stood his grounds and helped secure the goal area. It was a wonderful display from Aturu who showed how solid he his. He is a suitable player for a centre half and can be nurtured into a world class like the Cahill of nowadays.

Video: https://youtu.be/QX9bNCWL0x4


Report 5

Another preparation for a friendly match was on the roll today, the maths department, preparing to play the geography students. With low number of players turning up, they had to do a brief fitness training and then go ahead to play a 6 aside game to test their skills. It was a good training session with ogedemgbe tipped to be the better of the available players. He is a utility player, but I think he is stronger and a threat when used as a midfielder. Throughout the time that he spent with is team, he moved all of them along by holding the ball well, picking out his man and distributing the ball. He should be 21 yrs old.

Video: https://youtu.be/bAPYE_ccIOQ

Excellent work once again Brother Dar. Dick has been in hospital for a few days but all is well because his tests have shown that he is only suffering from an iron deficiency. They have put it down to all the years he has worked in the scrap metal industry and he now has a prescription for iron tablets and is due to be released from hospital tomorrow.

I have made arrangements  for a visit on Thursday morning so expect payment before the weekend. 

As an aside, what is the current situation in Nigeria Vis-a-vis Procol Harum? I was reading about a couple of bombs going off in a bus station in Abuja? Is the Goodluck Sambo administration no longer in control of the situation?

Hello enthusiastic fans of Bolton wanderers, this is too inform you that I've received my wages for the month of April and would start work already for May.
A big thanks to the sponsor Dick Spatchcock. and another one to my aid RT.

Brother Dar, it is good to hear from you once again. By pure coincidence I am meeting with a potential new sponsor this very evening.

What is the current political situation in Abuja and what has happened to the hundred missing schoolgirls? Have Procol taken them to form a Harem?

No, we are still searching, in fact, I might join the search soon.

Be very careful on your travels Brother Dar. The news over here is full of reports of how Boko Haram seem to come and go at will in large parts of the north of your country. Your scouting badges may not pass muster if you are captured so please be very careful and have your wits about you at all times. 

Good news on the sponsorship front. Last night I met with retired district Judge, Willie Stroker , who has kindly offered to sponsor your for four tantalising reports for the month of May. 

Willie was born in Penistone in Derbyshire and moved to Bolton when he was four. For many years he sat on the bench at Tockholes Crown Court where he earned a reputation as a ' no nonsense ' type of judge. Being a passionate Wanderer he was particularly strict where cases of football hooliganism came before him and he invariably sentenced any football related miscreants to a period of penal servitude. 

Since retirement Willie has devoted all his spare time to environmental issues and is heavily involved in the Fracking industry which he heartily promotes as a sustainable form of energy. He was recently interviewed by Nationwide TV at the scene of a fracking dispute at Barton Moss where he advocated that the great unwashed who were protesting should be showered in vitriol fired from a police water cannon. Not one to hide his light under a bushel, Willie has kindly offered to sponsor Brother Dar for four reports.

Brother Dar, this cheerful little song is very popular on the airwaves over in Blighty. It might be worth you downloading a copy for Captain Wada and his boys to listen to as they are traipsing their way through the jungle.

Good news Brother Dar, Call me Dave has been on the national news reporting that he has spoken with Goodluck and we are sending experts from the UK to help trace the schoolgirls. This is the same crew that were tasked with finding Shergar and Lord Lucan so let us all hope that it is third time lucky.

Brother Dar, thank you for your concise reports. Slight delay on the spondulicks front which should be sorted by next week. Mr Stroker was invited to judge a beauty contest/paegent in Pakistan and after the event he returned to Karachi Airport to discover that all flights were cancelled due to the airport being attacked and blown up by some loonytune group. Mr Stroker and the rest of the judging committee were then introduced to Mr Patel the proprietor of Rapid Rickshaws who offered to take the party to Rawalpindi where they could board an international flight with PIA back to Blighty. Unfortunately they took a wrong turn on the Hindu Kush pass and ended up in a town called Mosul near the Iraq border. While visiting the local travel agents, Halal Travel, Mosul was besieged by a travelling army of whirling dervishes, a fearsome band of gruesome Toerags who sent the police and army packing and declared Mosul as the independent state of Isis Nile.

Mr Stroker has met with the Toerag leader, Mohammed Bin Turban, and agreed to deposit a sizeable amount of cash in Mr Turban's Coutt's Bank account in exchange for safe passage to the UK. Mr Turban is arranging for saver seven passes to be allocated to Mr Stroker and all his party for repatriation next Thursday 19th June ( Summer Solstice ). Mr Stroker is judging a wet T shirt competition in Towcester next Friday night and he has been assured that the Mosul Passport Office have been ordered to bring in 250 front line staff to make sure the paperwork is all completed by Wednesday night at the latest.

I'm currently working on a new sponsor who should be in place by the time you receive your wages for May.


Judge Stroker..Karachi Home Coming Queen Carnival 2014

I have spoken to the agent this morning and there has been no further contact with Mr Stroker since Friday 13th which doesn't bode well. The situation has escalated in Iraq and all commercial flights have been grounded until the Shite government can overthrow and massacre the Sunny rebels. The last reported sighting was Mr Stroker and his entourage leaving Rapid Rickshaws on their hazardous journey.

Apologies for the delay Brother Dar but no news has been forthcoming until this evening when I received a telex from the agent informing me that Judge Stroker is alive and well. He and his party are currently holed up in the village of Peshwari Nan on the Syrian border and they have made contact with a local pilot called Josh Rogan who has offered to fly them tomorrow morning  over the Toerag mountains and land them at Dhansak airport where they can gain safe passage to Damascus. There is a flight from Damascus airport on Wednesday, direct to Weston Super Mare so if all goes to plan they should be home in time for Tiffin on Thursday.

I have also done a leaflet drop in Bolton town centre so I am hoping to have a new sponsor in place by Friday at the latest.

Dib Dib.

Good and bad news on the sponsorship front. The Judge had a stroke at Kandahar airport and had to be rushed to Kabul hospital. From there he was transferred to Camp Bastion where it was discovered that he had a tumour on his colon. Fortunately, there was a commercial flight doing a whiskey run from RAF Lossiemouth so room was found in the cargo hold for the Judge and his party. The Judge is currently awaiting surgery at Peebles Royal Infirmary to have his gall bladder removed but he still had the good grace to authorise full payment for your tantalising contributions.

Please be sure to thank the Judge for coming good for you and I will introduce your new sponsor as soon as confirmation of your payment has been confirmed.

That infirmary in Peebles has always been well used ever since the day it opened.



They get a lot of ramblers passing through the area and have to deal with sprained ankles, groin strains, that sort of thing.

Numpty 28723 wrote:That infirmary in Peebles has always been well used ever since the day it opened.



They get a lot of ramblers passing through the area and have to deal with sprained ankles, groin strains, that sort of thing.

Plus it is one of the cheapest hospitals for miles around. They only charge a grand for an op.   

Amazingly cheap since they use only the latest technological procedures.

This is to set aside a special one for Mr stoker for helping me with the wages for June.
I've collected it and I'm very grateful.