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Joke Thread

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511Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Nov 06 2013, 08:10

Guest


Guest
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.

512Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Nov 06 2013, 08:13

Guest


Guest
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

513Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Nov 06 2013, 08:17

Guest


Guest
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know yet, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!

514Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Nov 06 2013, 10:29

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
OneFinFreedman wrote:A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.
Laughing 

515Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Nov 06 2013, 17:09

xmiles

xmiles
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Australian: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Australian: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

516Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Nov 06 2013, 17:11

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@xmiles wrote:Australian: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Australian: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."
lol! 

517Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Nov 11 2013, 18:35

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Two Chinese men break into a distillery. One turns to the other, " Isn't this whisky?"

The other replies, " Of course, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank."

518Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Nov 11 2013, 18:41

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator
A man walks into a brothel and takes a young prostitute up to a spare room, he asks her for a 69.

They get into position and begin, 2minutes into the act she farts in his face but appologises, another 2minutes later she does it again.

The man turns around and says ''if you think i'm paying for another 67 of those you can think again''

519Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Nov 12 2013, 21:36

gloswhite

gloswhite
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
   

 
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

 
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. 
 
 
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
 
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... 
  

 
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
 
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan !  He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats!  It’s doing well!  Prophets are going through the roof!!
 
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
 
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, I took the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
 
 
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
 
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.
 
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

520Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Nov 12 2013, 21:37

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Some little gems there!

521Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Nov 14 2013, 21:46

doffcocker

doffcocker
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

522Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Nov 19 2013, 18:33

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
The Pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Liverpool
Billy walks on stage and asks “can you help me with my hearing”
The Pope says “Yes” and puts his hands on Billy’s ears and prays
Then the Pope says “How is your hearing now?”
Billy says “I don’t know, it’s not ‘til next Wednesday”

523Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Nov 19 2013, 20:40

Soul Kitchen

Soul Kitchen
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
Man walks into library and asks if there's a book on committing suicide available?
Librarian says fuck off you won't bring it back!!

524Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Nov 24 2013, 20:21

Guest


Guest
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

525Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Dec 15 2013, 11:18

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Just got the tree and decorations down from the loft and found a present I forgot to give the kids last year...pretty gutted really cause I know they would have loved a kitten!

526Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Dec 16 2013, 18:28

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
What is a Dilemma?


A student asked his English professor to define a dilemma. The professor said there's nothing better than an example.

"Imagine you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?"

527Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Dec 16 2013, 18:51

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Reebok Trotter wrote:What is a Dilemma?


A student asked his English professor to define a dilemma. The professor said there's nothing better than an example.

"Imagine you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?"

 lol! 

528Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Dec 19 2013, 11:07

Soul Kitchen

Soul Kitchen
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
I'm sick of sweaters for Christmas, I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer!

529Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Dec 19 2013, 11:17

Soul Kitchen

Soul Kitchen
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
A teacher goes round the class asking the kids what they need at home.
Sue says a computer to which the teacher says that's useful.
Billy says a new lawn mower and receives a similar response.
Little Johnny responds they have a requirement for nothing to which the teacher asks him to think again.
Little Johnny confirms this by telling the class when his sister started dating a MUFC fan that his dad had stated that's the last fucking thing we need!!

Modified slightly for PC reasons!!!!!

530Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Dec 19 2013, 22:47

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
The wife has just come back from a visit to the Doctor and informed me that she is suffering from an iron deficiency.........

That's her Christmas present sorted.....

531Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Dec 19 2013, 23:01

Banks of the Croal


Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
If only it was so easy, RT  Very Happy

532Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Dec 22 2013, 16:14

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
I was out with the lads last night and a prostitute approached me and said I could have sex with her for £10, but she didn't have a womb.

I said 'Well how can we do it then?'

She pointed and said...

'Acwoss the woad against the wailings'.

533Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Dec 23 2013, 07:52

Guest


Guest
Two old friends are sitting at the bar drinking when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

534Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Dec 23 2013, 19:46

Guest


Guest
Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway near Meekatharra recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

535Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Dec 23 2013, 23:46

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Just before Christmas and once again I am in the doghouse.

Me: “My dear, what can I help you with”?

She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in the pot.”

Joke Thread - Page 18 Dy25xy



536Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Dec 23 2013, 23:48

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Reebok Trotter wrote:Just before Christmas and once again I am in the doghouse.

Me: “My dear, what can I help you with”?

She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in the pot.”

Joke Thread - Page 18 Dy25xy

 lol! 

537Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Dec 25 2013, 15:22

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator
What's the difference between 3 big cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke.

538Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Dec 25 2013, 15:25

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator
A man walks into a brothel and from the menu behind the desk asks for a 69.

Just as the man and the prositute start, she farts in his face. ''I am so sorry'' she says, ''not to worry let's just carry on'' the man replies.

2 minutes later she does it again, ''oh god I can't apologise enough for this'' she says again, ''no problem love but if yout think I am paying for another 67 again you can fuck off''.

539Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Dec 27 2013, 20:58

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Phil Brown has emerged as the early favourite for the Cardiff job, owing to his experience of managing with a crazy Tan!

540Joke Thread - Page 18 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Dec 27 2013, 21:30

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@BoltonTillIDie wrote:Phil Brown has emerged as the early favourite for the Cardiff job, owing to his experience of managing with a crazy Tan!

 Laughing 

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